Tests were also primarily the ‘lynchpin’ where I interpreted ‘the world’ to be ‘imposing’ rules on me at a swift pace. I was being educated on how to be a predator that must apparently compete to survive as a emotional obsession and investment in competitions about the most trival goals and achievements now that they are done. So hand in hand with tests was perfection, and within this was fear of survival – made positive as ‘incentives’/’rewards’/’competition’ – that was introduced to me through the actions of parents.
Tests were the point as idea in my Mind where I began to view myself existentially, continually placing myself in a mental space. Learning was no longer learning, it was a continuous existential battle between my peers constantly, with no rest at all even in the home because we always are exposed to each other’s beingness, with ANYTHING able to be converted into a struggle between two egos. Part of this mental space was defining the idea of perfection, and the specific repeated advertising that perfection must always only be like a badge with permissions, where if you do well on these tests = your world will be made by “market forces” where you, as part of ‘the few’ will have everything, and it will be made certain that everyone else will be left to suffer.
In a way, the actions by both the system and the participant illustrated a belief system of justified sinning. When you are one of the best, you can pull any kind of shit and you cannot be held accountable – you’re already certified “good” so anything you do will not taint your name/label (that this authority body sent you as a piece of paper/badge/trophy etc.) and most importantly, your benefits will not be stripped away. If you are not the best (EVERYONE else in the WORLD/ 99.99999% by deliberate design) you have a right to be abused and that’s that.
You either abuse or be abused. This was the message I interpreted from doing meaningless tests that were only made meaningful by the threat of money. So tests was the right hand man of threatening me in my MIND with money – because the problem with threatening me physically alone is that they can only keep me in a physical environment for so long. But if I am convinced in my Mind of the threat of money, money paranoia, obviously I would make my actions more predictable = I can now, by thought control, be mind controlled.
Then my parents introduced the story that tests were not just the tests at school. They were EVERYWHERE, set by everyone given at any time about points that I had to find out for myself, that would not be identified. And seemingly, there was not a real standard: only billions of opinions which I had to please all at once. I feared the observation that people could give you a test, fail you, and be stripped of support/benefits. Within this I began to fear time, use the word ‘time’ as another excuse to fear, the imagined scenario (worst case scenario) that I would be given not enough time to develop a skill/personality trait that these authorities desired from me as a human resource.
Tests were also the point where I reasoned in my Mind the definition of myself according to EVERYONE ELSE but myself, the ‘level’ of skill/personality traits compared to everyone else, everything but the actual practical growth that I was aware of before grade school as standardized testing. I was fortunate before grade school to be in an environment that supported actual scientific, common sense approach to learning where everything we learnt was for ourselves alone, in that we weren’t learning one word to use against another, 1 educated kid + 1 educated kid = more cooperative, functional group, etc. Enjoying seeing others grow and who they are be enhanced to support the group and themselves – a place where I clearly could not support – became dreading others grow, out of the excuse of rank: what if they grow faster than me, I’ll lose my life…