Learning was reduced into a petty competition through the test form. I couldn’t enjoy learning anymore – I had to compete. I couldn’t just learn anymore = I had to be the best, perfect myself, and perfect myself. Everyone was doing it I was told, so I was facing a situation where I had to compete. So I created this feeling of being tossed around, my input and feedback worthless, my own actions towards myself apparently worthless, my own feedback and input about myself and what I should do worthless, I’m not allowed to do anything for myself: I have to compete and give all these decisions in good faith to others. The line I tread becomes narrower and narrower, the margin for error smaller and smaller as I ‘get more perfect’ and the more at stake when I ‘become more perfect’ and ‘achieve more’.
After some time continually doing tests, I noted that we were being trained to race against each other, on a point rather unique. The points being tested were our beingness, are we adhering to the attitudes being suggested, am I continually writing and acting on these attitudes as if they were mine – such as studying the material for a test. And always – faster, better, stronger, ad nauseum, especially “to the limit”.
So through my participation in testing, my definition of perfection, through repetition, became racing against others in predetermined categories of personality traits and services. Everyone is chasing, I must chase as well or I might lose the race and lose my life for it. I believed several things: I believed that I couldn’t question how we were chasing after our future prospect to live, deadlines were being imposed everywhere. Existential deadlines for accumulating a specific set of skills and personality traits by a certain date or else I will lose my life.
I couldn’t handle the realisation that my life was one big deadline, where the time I slept was even counted, in my Mind as “the time I could have used for more studying”, because I thought studying would prepare me for the real world. Yet the material I was studying demoralized me because of how unclear it is of the usefulness and relevance to reality, such as this physical reality. So I believed that I had to study to survive basically, but what I was studying I already began judging. I was like at a supermarket choosing what information to absorb, but with no idea of what will really support me to survive.
So from tests, I defined perfection according to competition. I sold myself on the idea that I must test better or else I will die, through the group isolating me from all support. I began picking and choosing what to learn in ignorance, all for the ‘perfect knowledge/information’ that will ‘make me perfect’ and ‘test best’ and ‘secure me for the rest of my life’. Looking for perfect skills, personality traits, in separation of myself so I slowly but surely lost touch of reality. What remained was an illusion of existential competition where if I perceive myself as ranking low, I become so fearful that I would take risks. There was not a rank at all, I noted that we were ranking each other according to our own personal standards and using that as an approximation. I didn’t investigate all things, I didn’t investigate the actual criteria to survive. I believed there was a single criteria for ‘the kind of person that never starves’ and to this day, I’m in a way lost in Energy – many judgments and beliefs required to be written out so I can see myself and let them go.