So starting from unsuccess, I technically had nothing. What is certain is that from nothing, from functional relationships I created dysfunctional relationships. I didn’t realise the destruction I had a hand in manifesting until later while I was creating dysfunctional relationships one by one though. I was confidently creating the destruction of my own relationship with myself. For a period of at least 13 years, but in reality all 20.
I had nothing, yet everything beacuse at least I did not create so much disharmony in the relationships I formed. And every relationship I formed I did not start fearing the relationship – I was like already a parent, of my child as the relationship, the future totally unknown, no reference point like what I have now: thoughts/emotions/feelings judgments backchat imaginations, no time to read, no vocabulary. But “somehow” I would always be certain of how to “move forward” in a new relationship and bring it to a point of equilibrium, this can’t be a matter of intelliigence because I had no other reference point but this physical reality that we all share equally.
I must have failed many times when I first learnt how to walk, as an example of a point that everyone has no other way but to walk a process of trial and error to walk properly. How come I didn’t judge myself and hassled myself so much, and now it is like spinning plates and avoiding everyone and everything from me dropping the plates? Why do I have to expect more and more from myself, when how I really started was with no expectations, sure my mom must have expected much from me but I didn’t feel so emotionally invested in preserving an image of myself. I didn’t have the vocabulary to program how I will feel from the mechanism to the triggers. Proof in the pudding: I didn’t care emotionally but what I produced was superior relationships and skill development than now, in a position where I could write out the physical relationships that do not change – so I have no excuse to not do it – and the tinest thing would set me off into terror for my entire existence and survival and channel this energy into not doing anything at all. So a lesson here that I learnt then unlearnt is good intentions pave the road to hell. Feeling like I’m doing something, know something, am something, is not equal to actually doing something. Throughout reading books, when I read books regularly often, I would have a reaction of horror of what will I do about my reading comprehension, how will I solve this problem. With no solution but the statement of, “always read more books”, I read more books and my horror reaction did not prevail, the space time process of reading books remained and I would benefit from re-establishing this habit.
What I did too was also for myself first, yet it wasn’t selfish from the perspective that I would give to others what I had learnt and would not have the habit of holding secrets/requiring privacy. Didn’t learn that “skill” yet. What I learnt was not assigned to only one situation, the nature of what I learnt would require me to give openly for me to learn it, so like being cut by paper is not enjoyable, so in the principle of treating my neighbour as myself, it was understood that a group that prevented paper cuts would have less suffering than one single individual making this knowledge my possession = knowledge without application is useless, not just individual but the group too. It’s common sense too in that in my research of history, the big groups, throughout all civilizations, tend to leave a greater “tradition” than other “smaller” groups, the majority of people would carry on the traditions which create our culture as it is today. For example, the old music we hear are the ones supported by the majority at that time, and from “spur of the moment” curiosity it “evolves” into a religion that we do not question: yet the first listeners would at least ask the question, “Am I interested in this kind of music?”
A 1 in the 1 + 1 = 2 equation would be of “greater value” if the 1 human were more mentally and physically stable, a “stronger” individual would add into a stronger group and a stronger group would definitely educate its individuals into more balanced human beings through communication. I experienced this firsthand with driver’s education when in the interest of people not ramming their cars and causing accidents everywhere, the “what can I do” part was explained quite structurally and practically = you would take precautions that you yourself would not have noticed until you watched and attended the lessons, and thus become a safer driver than if I were left alone to figure out the precautions. And again, no matter how intelligent one human being is, this world would not be able to feed the population of humans now if it weren’t for the 1 + 1 labour of the group. If I had to do two things at once (so if not done it would bring consequences to the group), my “power as individual” does not change the best solution of having two human beings doing each task if they HAVE to be done at the same time.
In the next post I will delve deeper into what I had deliberately forgotten from the confusion that thoughts, emotions, and feelings tend to produce: if you have a look at when you started to really push thinking, feeling.