I had no goals when I started learning. Technically the requirement to become a specific type of human being has always been here, so in the logic of a Mind, I should have been born stressed, born predisposed to pushing myself to limits and immerse myself in a more oppressive experience from birth. But that was not the case. I was “too busy” listening to the relationships that the future, as I understand it now, did not exist.
I always had enough time to experience in more detail, the entire event of one breath. From this one breath, I would do everything, and I still do everything. Within this one breath was Existence waiting to be discovered, but if I did not move myself to discover and understand, I would become ignorant of reality and guarantee creating havoc and friction in my relationship with all. The decision to discover was made in a moment, how could I refuse discovering a point that was been giving me life all along until this decision occured to me, from also seeing that I could say “no”.
The intelligence, goal setting and acheiving program was not so emphasized when I first started learning. The chase was not there, the “thirst” for knowledge for personal gain did not exist. I’m just a dot on a big planet, when I die new stuff is born, Life remains but I do not: whatever I create will return to dust, how important are my actions really? But I’m here, I’m always doing SOMETHING, can I find anything more valuable than making sure my participation doesn’t fuck up that which gives Life? With no trained habit of thinking, and with Life remaining and I don’t \ I set my purpose to make sure my participation did not fuck things up.
For a time, this was my one purpose: make sure that my existence does not fuck up the rest of existence. Just writing that out is clearly no profit, no gain to have, no achievement to exalt, no deadlines to meet. Understand my participation with every moment I have until I can make sure what I do does not fuck up everything else. No hope of “more than” every moment to walk this project: just every time I breathe, investigate, listen, learn from what is already working, what already works demonstrated by what is already here. It was here first, it has never harmed me, it is in fact through MANY relationships supporting me indirectly! I also was not taught to think at this moment in time, in the beginning when I had no vocabulary to learn how to think. Because the bread and butter of thoughts is words, and pictures.
So as long as I was committing every breath to learning from what is already here, to not fuck things up = I was cool with myself. And with no past to create distractions, doing one task every moment – with commitment spanning into infinity/as long as it takes/until this is done – the task was easy, yet hard enough as well because I had to do it all the time. Every moment. No conception of delegating tasks, or having leaders and followers. The point was that what I do, I do not fuck up this existence: according to this equation, no conception of delegating tasks, leaders or followers, I would see myself bullshitting myself and why on earth would I need to do that? Such “grown up” “mature” reasons did not exist.