Day 257: Reality Sacrificed For Desire

Today I went to dinner and during dinner, when I was placing an effort to understand the multi-dimensional communication between human beings, I was fumbling with eating.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define focus according to sacrificing the awareness of my human body for learning the abstract language used/abused.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to learn this abstract language quickly, so in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the belief that to hear and see the words more clearly, I have to ignore eating for a moment to instead apaprently “focus more” on my eyes and ears.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realise that being aware of my human body already includes hearing and seeing more clearly, so it is impossible for me to “put more effort” to hear more in separation of every single part of my human body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can “do more” according to my Mind, and to act more I try to “place more focus” on specific parts of my human body, the ones that I judge to be more profitable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define being aware and living within/as my human body according to a territory where I only “drill”/focus on the oil deposits as parts of my physical senses that I judge as something I will profit/learn/gain from.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as apparently inferior to the world within/as desiring to learn the abstract language to become “more equal” to this world, and channel my inferior feeling to motivate myself to value only what I see and hear for example, and forget that being here with my body means being with all parts of what is here as every part of my human body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to shortcut hearing more of the abstract language by “skipping” the step of being here with one point as my breath, in the belief that I can skip and ignore breath to “focus more” on what I see and hear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can skip the “petty details” of eating for the future prospect of money, which I project into/as the idea of the future projection of myself as how much safer I will be if I understood this abstract language.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as apparently in immediate danger, when/as I chase after my own personal symbolized imagination of what will make me feel safer.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to convince myself that I am getting more and more insecure as in more and more immediate danger, the more assertively I chase after “the more perfect me” as “me that understands abstract language”/me that has become equal and one with/as what is here as abstract language.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realise that the more assertively I chase after my desires, regardless of what I desire, the more of my own fear I manifest as an experience of myself.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realise that if the more I desire, the more I fear, then the foundation of desire is fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide my own fear of not understanding enough within/as desire to understand abstract language, and act on this desire by/through focusing on what I am seeing/hearing in separation, and abusing my own creativity to chase after my desire.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trigger a memory within me when/as I noticed an object/idea I can possess and through that possesssion, apparently be God.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the belief that if I do not hoard objects/ideas in separation from me, I will apparently have nothing and be worth nothing in the eyes of others and be discarded.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my existence alone as apparently having no value, and I can only be valued if I choose to continuously reject myself for an image of success and security that I copy from others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to convince myself and act on the belief that my existence in itself – what’s left when I lose everything I depend on for money – is worthless and in this, when every moment I face my decision where I could value my own existence, I chosed to reject myself for a mirage, so really for nothing.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realise that within/as myself, is the open decision to accept the current limited version of myself and by accepting a materialistic version of supporting myself, within this is my decision to reject myself, creating enough friction/self judgment in myself to look for anything to grasp to trigger me to be comfortable with myself, when me being comfortable with myself has nothing to do with what I gain, how fast I gain: I was here first before I collected various stuff to call myself worthy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as poor when/as I feel worse and worse about myself, the more often and aggressive I chase after my desires, in this forgetting that I am creating my own sense of lack.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realise that in a way, I blame objects and ideas separate from me for my experience of lacking self worth, when/as I chase after desires, instead of holding myself responsible for creating my sense of lack, and forgiving myself for chasing after desires where I am the cause for my perceived lack.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realise that chasing after my desire is a trap I created in my Mind, in a way to run myself in my Mind in circles/chase after my desire, confuse myself to make the decision to reject my own existence when, if I accept and allow it, I can unconditionally accept myself as the part of myself that is Life, and within this, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realise that throughout my entire life, the only part of myself that is Life that has proven itself to be trustworthy is my breath, so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to underestimate the significance of my own breath.

About Kasper Kwan

Currently supporting myself in the process of establishing my words in the physical principles of Oneness and Equality. Had to start this process because I have allowed and accepted my words to be established in the mental idea of self-interest/greed, and only realised this recently.
This entry was posted in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to Day 257: Reality Sacrificed For Desire

  1. Pingback: Day 74: The Dangerous Future | Viktor Persson

  2. Pingback: Day 75: Defeatism as the Perfect Excuse | Viktor Persson

  3. Pingback: Day 81: Projections and Fear | Viktor Persson

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s