Lately I have been facing a point of paranoia where, especially at night, I would hear people and be paranoid about hearing certain phrases and words. For the umpteenth time I got paranoid and then it struck me: I was paranoid because of the guilt I felt about being a dependent, dependent on my family for money.
So I have been hiding this guilt from myself for the feeling of not wanting to face myself.
Why have I been hiding? The point of self interest is in avoiding what I am going to do about it and hiding the beliefs I had about being a dependent. Before, I looked at the idea of dependents as outcasts which I did not want to be a part of, and when I had the skills to not be part of that group, I ignored this group of dependents. Now that I am one, I was hiding my guilt to avoid facing my own beliefs about what a dependent is.
What beliefs had I held about dependents? I believed they were bad people that did less than what was required of them deliberately out of spite.