Bernard Poolman’s brief conversations with me and his, call it philosophies, have had a great impact on the way I see things now, and therefore my future as my future is dictated through what I do now. And I can only do things according to what I see or consider. So in an effort to regulate my blogging, offer perspectives on me as a person, this idea came up of writing commentary on the writings that he left behind, which to my understanding is as poignant as he was in conversation.
For 21 days, I will read one post from Creation’s Journey to Life and highlight/quote the sentences that, call it “resonated”, with me.
And with a flick of the wrist, with style, each blog will have the same title as the original post.
“I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refuse to understand that any change will go hand in hand with resistance as I have to push through the automated occupation of self that is obsessed with time till I have removed this fear driven obsession with time and what I believe is important due to the effective ways I have allowed myself to become a participant in the current system of the individual self obsessed with personal achievement.”
I was stuck in a trance when I was in grade school and high school, in a bubble where all the impulses from my environment indicated a stable, assuring feeling that my value as a human being was solely on my grades and various achievements that are recognized in the world. What I missed was the immense amount of time I had to practice living ‘the perfect day’ in terms of optimizing my learning capacity through learning vocabulary, reading more often, and studying mathematics as a foundation for all other subjects.
What I used to think was that the chain of achievement stopped at university when all would be good and great for each that is in university. But it seems that the pattern of competition, struggle, and personal achievement can repeat itself throughout an entire person’s life, and one can be chasing after that special form of perfection, as dictated by what the world system values, yet Life, what is best for all Life, can be ignored for the sake of ‘making it’ in the system. With achievement in the system, it was a fear driven obsession for me, “in a race against time” to arm myself with as many skills and achievements as I possibly can before setting off on the journey in the world. Now I am not so eager to start competing in that way again and am currently researching methods of proper development of my intellect, and intend to share what is of value because part of the great anxiety I had growing up was this myth of the perfect student as described in the system: perfect grades, many impressive extra-curricular activities, many friends. I definitely do not recommend falling into that intellectual trap that many do in chasing after grades, in a manner of speaking.
“I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed by the ideas of the system about personal achievement without ever considering what is best for all life and that what is best for all life should be my directive principle as I should show the character of Life as life , but I show the character of the system as NOT life.”
Here I am reminded of the ideas portrayed in media; news, music, and entertainment. How I convinced myself that one of the ways to earn money or survive in this world was to become my own version of a sexual god. The constant obsession with earning better grades. The obsession with earning an athletic body that ‘pays dividends’ in terms of avoiding discrimination. All this falls under my “ideas of the system about personal achievement.”
“I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be driven by the character of the system which is the character of the mind and not the character of life and that I fear to be without this mind drive as energy that will make me feel good in the measurement of my own judgment, yet which would allow life to be abused and I would feel nothing for all the abuse that happen unless I am reminded when the feeling for life will only last a moment before I return to the indulgence of the feel good of the mind.”
The character of the system in my eyes, in a way, was the obsession with positioning myself favourably in the system, having to guess what this system was and what was required of me to win at it. Various hypotheses included better grades, better athletic ability, better reputation at school, more friends. The odd obsession with entertainment at one point, with music, spending my days watching TV in a false sense of security of being at school, thinking my future would be taken care for me by school’s mystic expertise in teaching children. The conditioned obsession with video games in which my mother would gladly buy for me to shut me up without the guilt, “He enjoys this”, my not placing 1 and 1 together to realize that my destiny lays in my hands at every age.
“I commit myself to never postpone and to use postponement as an instruction to immediately act to prove to myself the benefits in physical space time to not postpone.”
At one point in pushing myself through various projects to change myself, postponement was a frequent occurence and this sentence succinctly outlines what postponement can be and what its role should be in the design of our personal ‘tree of life’ of ourselves as we accumulate knowledge and information.
“I commit myself to not allow the mind to set the rules of what is important and what is not.”
This sentence reminded me of the times my mind would often convince me in an inner dialogue and feeling that reverting to old habits would be the safest and most secure option. Not to follow such impulses, but to identify what would accumulate to a more capable person and practice that in the face of temptation as the programs I set for myself; the old habits.