Today I faced a point where I was facing the possibility of turning my world upside down, by becoming, in my eyes, a human being that has the capability of directing a learning process every waking moment. Meaning, investing all time I have into projects that i decide upon, which was vocabulary building and maths. Then, all too conveniently, I reminded myself of the cello and spent a night’s worth of reminiscing about the cello and felt good.
This is part of a series to deprogram my need for entertainment, such that I am therefore able to work without self constraint. Typically, that working requires an equal and opposite reward of entertainment.
Shortly before the cello spree, I decided that eating dinner alone was the perfect time to watch a Korean drama. And I watched this drama long after I finished eating. In a way, what I am facing is the obsession for positive pictures and images disguising the rejection of encountering negative point after negative point, as judged by me in my secret backchat.
I will be monitoring my weekly feelings (+1, 1, -1) to further investigate this pattern and habit of mine, with the objective of removing the need for positive stimulus. I have a feeling that what I will face as this world will be negative after negative point, so a good preparation for that would be to wean myself off the positive pictures and noises.