Day 288: Letting Go of Regret

“I commit myself to use regret to force me to stop using my mind as reality and that I will dedicate myself to return to home which is here as that which is equal in measurable space and time as the physical.”

This reminds me of a group discussion with Bernard about real shame. I will do something different if I really felt shame. Shame based on ego as emotions/feelings, – which translates into memories, imaginations, worst case scenarios justifying a vague feeling – will result in me donig the same and expecting different outcomes. Real shame to me means shame based on what cannot be let go of, the physical consequence encapsulated in time, andd the realization of what I traded with my time.

An example would be the shame of witnessing my failure in university. How, each day, the consequence of me indulging in games and TV blew up as a balloon filling with water, until it bursts and everything is stained. That’s an analogy Bernard shared with us. The long term consequence of shifting my participation from reading books and learning to playing games and entertainment as prescribed by mass media, which accumulated to the consequence of being automatically lazy.

“I commit myself to never engage in relationships made and prepared in my mind and imagination and to spend time in real time through communication and sharing to establish real trusts that will stand the test of time that I may never have to let go of another just because I regret not making sure we are really actually on the same understanding about what is best for life.”

What relationships are made and prepared by my mind? Relationship towards money, the administrative part of education (exams, responsibilities translating into time and effort commitments, people’s attitudes in their position in the education system), towards the opposite sex (what I desire from girls and why), relationship towards personal achievement in all its forms, towards entertainment (manga, anime), towards committing to and trying out new things, towards the basics to growing myself mentally. You have an idea of the main preoccupations in my mind.

Here I am reminded to not take people at face value, and instead take first place to communicating and sharing with the person, get to know who they are behind the labels I would list as them. This is the way to establishing real trust between myself and others, so that I may not have to let go of another or give up on them, just because I did not do my part = Just because I regret not making sure we are really actually on the same understanding about what is best for life.

“I commit myself to never let go of any lesson I have learned unless I have brought it back to physical space time reality where I can find that which is worthy as this experience as the body, my body which I have abused so many times in the name of desires and search for happiness.”

Don’t forget lessons until you live them as a part of yourself. With exclaiming in awe of what I can do, bring it to terms and conditions that I must fulfill as a matter of respecting life more specifically, and fulfill the terms and conditions: for example a time and what I will do in that time.

“I commit myself to stop my imaginary world and all the players which are just versions on my desires and to focus on living as the body, to focus to become aware as the body in every way equal and one that I may discover the vast universe that existed parallel with me but I never consider as also part of why I am here in a process to find self honesty and to rebirth myself as life.”

I am hinted at with my responsibility of accepting and allowing players that complement my desires – such as being friends with a guy just because he’s fashionable, accepting his image at face value – and that my body is a good general measurement of what and to what extent I do what needs to be done. The universe Bernard describes sounds right. But Bernard is right: what is of value is the process to self honesty and to rebirth myself as life. Self honesty I acquire through practiced self introspection, with the tools of writing, self forgiveness, and self commitments. Writing is quite a miracle in that it captures a single moment’s thought like a picture, and I can see what I am by reading my words.

“I commit myself to explain and be the example of this solution as this reality to be part of what is real of this dimension of existence where I spend a predetermined time and to make this reality a place where all will have what is best for all to bring an end to the escape of the regret that visit us all from time to time as we let go of our failures just to repeat our failures. I will not let go of my failures till I have corrected what I have allowed in the name of my ego that Life may be here and ego no more.”

I see my life as a day’s worth of participation, and each day as a repetition to become an example of a solution to be part of what is best for all. My entire life from here on an engineering project where I must direct all the stages of my growth. So I imagine myself as an Olympic diver training to perform when required: by working with the failures I inevitably produce and practicing the same series of movements, the same few activities that I decide to be my day.

It’s important, according to Bernard, to not let go of failures until one understand and move on from the failure in understanding because we often do not go this far only to repeat the same mistake over and over and over again. So there is no excuse to give up even when there’s failure – like when I do not spend my time in the way that I planned for me – within the failure is a gift to understand me, waiting to be unwrapped through righting myself to life.

“I commit myself to be able to live so completely in every breath that I am able to die in any breath and in that moment I will be certain that no regret ever exist and I have lived as Life should live and I have given life as I have received life and in this I have created a world that is best for all life to which each life form will come to be born onto support and abundance and happiness to explore the multiple universe of the physical we have degenerated and degraded to only picture version of our delusions of imagination. I commit myself to get to know directly every part, every dimension that is here that I may see what life is really about in every way.”

Doing what is best for all life is giving life in the certainty that one has received life, so that doing maths for as long as possible or for x hours per day is not a burden, it is the decision I made that I see to be best for me, to be best for all life, I am merely giving myself life where I have received life. I thought working was something I did for others, an authority, and that my ‘freedom’ was in having the choice to spend my time in entertaining myself in the forms advertised to me; TV, video games, books, and sports. No, no, freedom is in being able to practicaly support myself, and the most straightforward way would be to acquire certification while developing myself as a human being with a daily planned participatory diet. Freedom is in deciding to play the position where my trained skills are relevant and my time and labour is worth enough money to live a dignified life. Freedom is in doing what needs to be done – preparing myself to earn money, earning money – and teaching through example.

There really is no choice but to do what is best for all life, starting with doing what is best for me. Then I will have no regret, I can be satisfied with my actions with real proof – consequences that my common sense approves of as respectful of life, therefore respectful of myself as a life.

“I commit myself to embrace the darkness as I know I am from the darkness of the womb and that the only light is that which is based on the physical laws and that any other light conjured up in the imagination generator as the mind, is but a way to deny what is here and a way to not take responsibility for life. This world is the evidence of the abuse of the light and it must stop as it will stop anyway at death. Why wait for the regret at death and the letting go that cannot return. I rebirth myself now and live breath by breath that which is best for all life until that is all that is here in this world as all relationships of our definition of ourselves and each other as the image and likeness of life. ”

I commit myself to embrace the darkness, it is scary but it is not, it’s like the darkness I came from in the womb; everything is in reverse, what I am attracted to termed the ‘light’, that is separate from the light of physical laws, is what I should be ignoring, and I should embrace the darkness that was within my light as the fears and wants, needs, desires in the fuzzy logic of good and bad, through witnessing the darkness in writing – like coughing up the lines of programming code for my happiness compass – and embracing it with forgiving myself for each part that I created.

Bernard agrees with me! Why wait for the final regret of death when I have time now to sort out my bullshit? Surely an hour spent potato-couching reading useless stuff and watching inconsequential things can be put into getting to know myself in a practical, measurable way. The door is already open – I can write, I can forgive myself, but for what specifically is the journey, the mystery box waiting to be opened within/as me. Cracking the nut as my own mind – my own happiness compass – beyond any research possible by marketing and psychology, being in the cutting edge of time as breath by breath, I unravel the mystery of myself, my identity – practically finding myself.

About Kasper Kwan

Currently supporting myself in the process of establishing my words in the physical principles of Oneness and Equality. Had to start this process because I have allowed and accepted my words to be established in the mental idea of self-interest/greed, and only realised this recently.
This entry was posted in 7 Year Journey To Life, Bernard Poolman and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s