Day 378: Waking Up To Revenge

The moments just before you wake up tend to show the nature of myself more. For example, at the cry of my mom’s voice – I react and what? Sleep in some more as a form of revenge against my mom for what she has done to ‘control me’ through the tone of her voice, the content of her words, and previously, the fear of survival.

What I’m looking at today is that moment, when I was about to get up, when my mom came in harking, preaching her word and as a form of revenge, I slept in some more until I was satisfied that I had enough sleep.

The reason for investigating my reaction is because, obviously, another person can take my mom’s place and through this affect my decisions through a problem reaction solution time loop. Instead of a problem reward solutions cycle which means investigating the problem for rewards, and finding a solution all under the auspices of rationality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react negatively to my mom’s words that said, “Aren’t you going to do what you planned, going to the park to do exercise and practising cello?”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define ‘plan’ as the logical justifications for a series of actions where this logic is according to my mom’s portrayal – or a person’s portrayal – of ‘the reasons why you should do what I tell you to do’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the belief that a person is able to manipulate logic to not have you see the bigger picture, and through manipulating your self interest/passions/drive/motivation, have you do what the person wants you to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to interpret my mom’s words, in her tonality, as a form of blackmail both emotionally and consequentially, meaning ‘if you do this you will receive a reward’/’if you do not do this you will receive consequences’.

“a form of blackmail both emotionally”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the belief that I am emotionally vested in my mom’s emotional well being.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the belief that I am in debt towards my mom because she is supporting me practically, therefore I should be emotional and listen to her every word.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the conundrum that I do not want to listen to EVERY word my mom says, because that would imply that I become my mom’s creation, when I want to be creator of my own life and have that reward of emotion with creating my own life.

I Forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that the implication of wanting to be creator of my life is that I must understand the exact mechanics and design of myself and exactly how I work daily.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that being a creation means not seeing the ‘big picture’ as all the motives of every participant, and accepting and allowing an incomplete view of the world to dictate a form of logic that is vested in self interest and laziness.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that if I understand the motives, and I understand what makes me tick, that I become responsible and response-able to direct myself within/as other people’s words, including my mom’s.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that the one point where people can control me is through my self interest, therefore if I transcend my own self interest, and do what is best for all, I have nothing to fear.

About Kasper Kwan

Currently supporting myself in the process of establishing my words in the physical principles of Oneness and Equality. Had to start this process because I have allowed and accepted my words to be established in the mental idea of self-interest/greed, and only realised this recently.
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One Response to Day 378: Waking Up To Revenge

  1. Pingback: Remain lovingly = No path for softies | From guestwriters

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