Day 380: Failure: Not Doing What’s Important First

Resistance to doing what needs to be done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to waste two hours of time sleeping, when faced with the task of practising the cello.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist doing what needs to be done as practising the cello.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait for circumstances to direct me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to derive comfort from circumstances directing me, such as going out to buy things.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the belief that it is a relief when something needs to be done OTHER THAN the tasks I set out to do, so this release is a release of a previous build-up of energy or perhaps expectations towards myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a form of absolutism in my expectations of myself: “I must be disciplined and productive today.”

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to embrace failure as positive feedback, as each failure reminds me of another part of myself that I am unaware of consciously.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist the idea of doing everything/preparing everything from the moment I wake up and leaving myself with time afterwards, and reality shows me I am attached to leaving everything to the last minute.

doing everything. for myself.

I Forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist being in a position where I must mother myself as exactly nurture myself to an optimum state reflected in a day’s work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the realization that if I do not work, nothing in my world will work: in the universe as myself, I am equal to what I give to ‘grow’ this version of me, which is reflected and evidenced in my participation process throughout one day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the belief that I can delegate my existence to tools and self honesty to create me, where I can somehow automate perfection.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to embrace the vulnerability that is within/as realizing that I am exactly equal to my participation, and my existence and integrity is equal to my participation within context of what has been ‘given’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire a level of mastery to achieve, where this desire rejects the common sense of “you are what you are reflected in what you do”, where I imagine an oasis as a ‘level’ of mastery where I can call myself ‘master’ and sit back as I abdicate self responsibility to my creation as creator.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to reject the equality existent in the phenomenon of existing as an individual, meaning who you are is all your work, all of the dirty work is mine.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the belief that power is in being able to say ‘fuck you’ to my existence as an individual, where I refuse to do the work necessary to perfect myself to heed the laws of Physics and the law of Equality and Oneness.

Addicted to andrenaline.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to derive a sense of exhileration from doing this self forgiveness at the last minute, only after permanent consequence as a day wasted.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to derive pleasure from creating a script that exemplifies a narrative that is heroic: From being a lazy person, I go through all these obstacles and difficulties and end up being ‘master of myself’ a guru on self discipline and being productive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed an aspect of glamour deciding for me my life direction, where I will not be satisfied until I place myself at the ‘lowest point’ according to my relationship to myself, and the reality is I create unnecessary drama pretending to have ‘personal vices’ ‘because of my history’ and wanting such existential scars to show off when I am ‘successful’/wealthy.

I Forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the assumption that there is a problem within me, and I cannot articulate this problem, making this idea of ‘a problem in me’ creator while “I can’t do what needs to be done from the get-go because blah blah blah I have a problem. But I don’t know”

Therefore I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this fake glamour to suffuse into my existence, where I judge a glamorous image of me as ‘clean’ while an image of me without glamour is ‘dirty’/’I can’t stand the look of myself’.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that the word ‘glamour’ is but one of the filters of my mind that filter what actions I accept and allow of myself, and right now ‘glamour’ is not accepting and allowing myself to apply the best cure, which is prevention.

I Forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to reject the idea that timing is important, spiting the reality that stares into the depths of me every time I do things at the last minute, making things risky when it does not have to be, creating ‘contrast’ where it simply does not exist and convincing myself of this ‘contrast’ of good and evil, being the good fighting the evil inside me.

I Forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that sometimes, what is important is that I participate in this activity NOW, rather than preparing for all the possible resistances that may possibly come up.

About Kasper Kwan

Currently supporting myself in the process of establishing my words in the physical principles of Oneness and Equality. Had to start this process because I have allowed and accepted my words to be established in the mental idea of self-interest/greed, and only realised this recently.
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