Not as productive as other people.
I Forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the assumption that there exist people in this world that do not waste a single moment in their lives.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that holding a memory/idea of ‘a person that wastes no moments’ to compare myself, is no way to live.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compete against others in my mind through merely comparing myself and my process and my state of mind/energy and my state of position in the world system/money to ‘them’, but as the psychologist knows: ‘them’ spoken in my mind is referring to me because ”them’ in my mind’ reflects back to me the judgments, beliefs, perceptions I am holding against myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the belief that the purpose of other people operating at ‘levels of perfection/productivity/stability/durability/resilience/flexibility etc.’ is to compare myself to them to come to the conclusion by myself, that I am not able to reach such a state and give up on myself completely.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as ‘less than’ people that are more productive than me, as measured by their achievements which are supposed/believed to translate into money.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to embrace myself as the raw ore in which in the confines of my mind, I must learn to take responsibility as ‘light the fire’ to smelt the ore to investigate all things in myself/my mind and only keep that which is good, which would be the useful metal derived from raw metal ore.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be intimidated and feel threatened by people that do things better than I do.
I Forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cultivate the illusion that there must be a winner and ‘therefore a loser’ in my world-view, so that when I see people doing things better than I do, I would react to them and even blame them for my ‘experience’, the blame and the experience both from the starting point of separation/self interest/’the unspoken desires that motivate/define the term ‘my world”.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the perception that I require ‘desiring’ what other people have to motivate myself to improve, yet I would not look closely at desire to see that it is the fear of not having.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the perception that desire is what will guide me to learn how a person works to be productive, when in fact if desire is fear, my positive state is actually the most negative state that exists, and I ask myself this: How can I possibly understand how anything works when I am consumed by fear/the desire to succeed in this world, instead of being ‘consumed’ by being here to see the obvious lies I am living and perpetuating in my immediate world, to forgive myself shortly after these realizations as a way of moving forward/beyond self imposed limitation.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the perception that hoping and believing that X level of productivity exists in me and that I am special because of having this potential, will guide me to do what needs to be done, when in fact if the hope/belief is motivated by fear, my positive state is most negative because my standing is not in reality, it’s in energy/emotion/feeling. Try feeling euphoric cooking pasta and watch you burn yourself in reality for being consumed by a daydream.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be humble by putting aside desire, hope, belief in an ideal future, to instead become involved in discovering the exact design of how I work now to output X level of productivity; to instead become intimate with myself, put out the ‘f*** f*** f***” fire with self forgiveness.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed the perception that productivity is a feeling as an experience to be had in my mind before manifesting it in reality, instead of realizing the common sense: how the fuck can I prioritize feeling over doing in this instance?
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to understand that as a result of my mind, manifesting anything in reality will be a process of facing resistance within and without because of my compulsion to ‘have an experience’ before silently working on reality. Manifesting what is best in reality will be a journey starting with the mind/energy, and ending with the world system/money, and that my self forgiveness would reflect such a process with each point I face within myself, by virtue that change within must be reflected as change without for process to be real, change that is real will change my world. To be real.