Slowing down instead of speeding up.
Lately I have been experiencing a sense of doom, negative emotion, that seems pervasive in all of my participation. A highlight would be walking with mom, where I perceive mom’s pace to be ‘too slow’ and wanting to walk ahead of her. So I’ve been deliberately walking behind her to test any reactions I have.
What I see are reactions include my world view within/as the words ‘competition’, ‘survival’, ‘living’, ‘subsistence’, ‘making the best of what is here’. I’m still seeing blood in that I see the world as one big competition, which propels me to come to the conclusion that if I have a min. and a max, I should always turn up my pace to the max.
Surviving means to me, walking ahead of others as far away from others as possible, wherein everyone is walking a certain pace and I must walk faster than them specifically. As if there is a goal line at some point where one can gloat and be more safe and secure than others, an oasis in a desert.
Living means applying the discipline to not waste my breaths in a day, always having a goal in mind with an outcome in expectation of myself. Like if I don’t do this, I will be aimless and unfocused in my application and then I won’t have an area of expertise to ask for money. Day in day out this thought pattern repeats of, goal -> reaction -> ‘motivation’/’drive’/fear -> reaction -> solution. A soldier marching towards his destination: disciplined, ‘ready to kill/be aggressive’, ‘taking the initiative’, stoic. In a way, it’s like I’ve made for myself a world view to be a toy for me, where I play in my make-believe world.
Subsistence. I suppose this relates to slavery. I imagine a farmer farming not for his own/family’s sake, but for a corporation, so there are targets, deadlines, goals, rewards and real consequences of poverty if the farmer does not comply/submit to this cycle of subsistence/survival.
With what is here, making the best out of it. It’s me assuming that applying myself has a ‘limit’/’a level of productivity that is fixed/preordained/pre-destined’. Making the most of limited resources; human and financial resources.
I write up to this point and observe me thinking of the worst in the world and in other people; which in fact means not trusting myself, not trusting that self honesty is enough to live. Notice that all of the visions I described are just that, imagination, when the real work starts with myself here, as the body now preoccupied with my ego/consciousness of imagination. Instead of in self honesty/exact understanding of the mechanics of how this experience works, realize that the way forward, is the way backwards/introspecting Self as what I have made flesh/’muscle memory’ like the above definitions I’ve accepted and allowed.
With this, I understand myself a little more. For the moment I’ve stopped the sense of ‘doom’.
The general solution I see is that the way forward is to slow down rather than speed up. Speeding up implies setting goals, deadlines, all visions of the future, based on expectations of myself in the past. Slowing down implies becoming intimate with myself, as I am, embracing the pace that I have existentially set for myself through my world view, the definitions of words that I am in fact living out and accumulating consequences daily.
“I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create relationships of energy as “experiences” to/towards all manifested parts of me within/as this existence through/as the Mind Consciousness System…”
Instead of using the guide of silence in my thoughts, emotions, and feelings as indication of my acceptance of the reality here; trusting reality to hold all the reasons for living and creating solutions to this world and to myself as a being lost in Consciousness.