One word to describe me: cynical. Distrustful of the world in every respect, which reflects in a distrust in the parts of myself that make up my personality/character. To the extent of imagining the worst in me. Continuously perpetuating the internal and external abuse/compromise/conflict/friction in myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the memory of being controlled by my mother through controlling what I do but especially instill ideologies to control how I do things, to define me and justify me as a cynic.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify being cynical by saying to myself that at a time when I was not, I was hoodwinked into who I am being changed by my environment, in that how I do things was moulded and designed to self interest.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be attracted to the word cynical because in my mind, it presented a seemingly valid solution to prevent being influenced and moulded by my environment and promote thinking.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine the worst in myself and the world and see that as the best preventative measure to avoid conflict, because I would act in ways that would avoid this ‘evil’ from rearing its head.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the belief that basically, going from the positive to the negative will ‘save me’ from being negative.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly compare my view to the advertised positive view, and ensure that my view is seen by others and myself as opposite to the positive view, because I saw the positive view as fake.
I commit myself to when and as I see myself being cynical – I stop, I breathe. I realize that being cynical as negative is also self interest equal and one to the positive polarity, because both are about ‘my experience’/’my life’ rather than ‘the experience’/’the life’ where I know, if I had considered ‘the life’, I would not give up on myself so easily in moments. I commit myself to stop being cynical to instead get real, really get to know myself as how I operate and how I justify this, to eventually find practical solutions for this world system and for Earth/humanity as a whole, realizing that I ‘honestly’ cannot see solutions until I walk my personal obstacles first, in a way fulfilling my dream of being the one; yes, I am the one responsible for my psychological mess of ups and downs.