Feeling lost. The experience I would like to describe is the feeling of constantly having situations thrown at you, and you constantly accepting them and dealing with them. Where what is here is no longer silent, it becomes like a hum of activity, yet this activeness only hides the passiveness within myself. It’s like binging on society to hide from the inner self judgments and self definitions I am holding against myself.
Also upholding a certain specific self image of myself that I ‘hold dear’, being hardworking, upstanding, tall, proud, productive human being. When to be productive is to have the humbleness to embrace when I am unproductive, to stand up from the lowest point.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react negatively to new projects.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘lose myself’ in the constant ‘noise’ that comes with constant activity or constantly stimulating myself with activities.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide from the tasks that need to be done by ‘submerging’ myself into the experience of wading through countless tasks and activities.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress clarity on the things that need to be done in a day, for example, when going into this experience, which is akin to leaving the TV on and hearing the constant positivity notes from the TV, or listening to music, or hearing the hustle outside in the city.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘speed up’ within the experience of wading through tasks/situations, so as to submit to my self judgments, instead of slowing down seeking clarity as a single breath.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as inexperienced with managing tasks in a day.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as poor and unworthy of the task of managing my needs in a day, as what needs to be done in a day.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a voice in my head that screams, “how dare you”, when moving myself to see what needs to be done, and the practical translation of this into a moment’s participation.
When and as I see myself inundating myself with stimulation, from the motivation of self suppression – I stop, I breathe. I realize that if I would only forgive myself for the judgments I am holding against myself, I would give to myself the clarity to direct myself in my world. I commit myself to forgive those judgments and to slow down with breathing until I reach a state able to do the task at hand focused and relaxed.
Slowing down means putting aside any self judgments I sense of myself, letting go of any self definitions I am holding. Holding in remembrance what is best for all Life, asking myself the question, “What can I do now that would be best?” Giving compassion and respect and consideration to myself within so it may be in the without. Self ForGIVEness.