Day 387: Overcoming Reluctance

Getting disciplined is, to my interpretation now, akin to pulling taut a rope. Until it breaks. Why is this? Theoretically, taking on more responsibility, doing more in a day, would lighten the load I in fact have taken upon myself. Emotionally, it feels like the opposite.

The feedback I received from my last post is that the feeling of reluctance intensified, and to which I responded in energy/reaction by becoming passive/submissive to ‘myself’/my energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to interpret being disciplined as pulling taut a rope until it breaks.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to glorify the idea of pushing something until it breaks and going further than that, me making the choice to glorify self diminishment, self annihiliation in a way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the belief that to be disciplined, I will have to ‘give it my all’ which implies a leap of faith into being something that I believe myself not to be.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that to be disciplined, I will have to do what I do not like breath by breath which implies no leap of faith, just doing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed glory to define what I accept and allow in myself, through glory channelling itself into a feeling that I worship through action, meaning I do what I feel like.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define glory as being rewarded generously per action/reaction whatever.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to redefine glory as the golden silence that remains after doing said action, the glory of retiring once a campaign/set of actions have been accomplished; with no one or nothing to compare myself to except for myself and my process, my journey to life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed comfort to define what I accept and allow by only doing what feels comfortable, feels positive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define comfort as balancing the extremes of energy as emotion/feelings, instead of redefining comfort as the absence or obliteration of ‘being under the influence of energy’, be it through self forgiveness or through pushing through extremes to break the mechanism/veil I placed as energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to decide that comfort is my guide to doing what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to test this theory by looking at the evidence that is my life to see if doing what is comfortable preserved any part of me that is of worth that gives to Life to this day.

About Kasper Kwan

Currently supporting myself in the process of establishing my words in the physical principles of Oneness and Equality. Had to start this process because I have allowed and accepted my words to be established in the mental idea of self-interest/greed, and only realised this recently.
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