Day 389: Eye of the Needle

Yesterday I was shocked to find the answer to my question.

“When you have free time, you should meet up with me some time”
“Why?!” (with part disdain, part exclamation)

I imagine that the response is because she does not want to divulge her network of friends to me, but that is me imagining. Part of the reason of the response is also because she thinks I’m asking her out like this.

But back to self. Why so shocked at the response I received? I thought she was a ‘nice girl’ and this response definitely, in her tonality, was hiding some ill conceived things. My personification of gentleness became not so gentle. I thought she would hold some feelings for me and this response certainly shows that she does not want to intermingle with a mental cripple like me on too intimate terms. Which makes me feel a little unwanted. No matter what her interaction, she seems to be keeping her distance from me, which is all compressed in this one response, to which I react in anger. Because I have done everything I could possibly do to give as I would like to receive, and this is still the sort of response I receive. So there is an aspect of pride that I hve not looked at, where I see my pride as my actions being not valued for the social capital it really is.

What this further illustrates is the fakeness that these people are exihibiting with me, pretending to be chummy with me, because they keep this girl as a close friend that is trustworthy enough to handle money transactions and more. And this girl is exihibiting a wariness of me, so certainly the others especially <person> are wary of me. Though I can’t find within myself the reason why, I keep a pleasant demeanour at all times during work. Perhaps <person> made an observation of me that she shared with this girl that caused worry and wariness.

So, all of this in-gore-mation that I gleamed from one single interaction with this girl that I am fond of. Mostly speculation. With my mind in a cycle like this, no wonder I’m not so happy. This can be banished in the category of conspiracy theory, as there is little to no evidence to back it up in my interaction with these people, at this point in time.

How am I feeling about the situation now. Okay.


About Kasper Kwan

Currently supporting myself in the process of establishing my words in the physical principles of Oneness and Equality. Had to start this process because I have allowed and accepted my words to be established in the mental idea of self-interest/greed, and only realised this recently.
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