I’m paranoid. <person> said something cryptic, something along the lines of “When I’m direct, he’s unhappy, when I’m cryptic, he doesn’t get the message”. I don’t know if it’s a he or she.
Which leads me to the previous post that I had written about this girl. What if they are reading what I am writing? What if that was their response, albeit indirect and indecent?
<person> said to me this: “Are you enjoying yourself here?” Which made me wonder, is all of the pitter patter in the workplace just a joke?
But the history does not seem to imply such meaning. <person> re-hired me in spite of wanting to leave. Is this simply a case of imagination and a matter of “you manifest what you fear the most?”
I manifested what I feared the most. That was failing to walk the path of education, towards university, towards the university attracting a job for me, and me living out the rest of my days a worker. Would I have manifested the next greatest fear? And after another cycle, the next biggest fear?
If I had a second place for the greatest thing I fear, that would be being reprimanded unconditionally by everyone excluding family. What is the value of such writing? I would like to transcend the fear before it manifests, because the cycle of realization, while inevitable and absolute, is quite a painful process to walk. So I’m looking at fear of being casted out.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being casted out because of a single action I perpetrated.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the belief that one single action can consume/hide the vast majority of actions in a person’s method of judgment, to which I can therefore ‘get one thing wrong’, and have that person hate me and convince others to do the same.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the belief that there is something wrong in me, that would be ‘picked up’ by others and scrutinized because of that one wrong thing in me, that is not to people’s taste, that is spiteful in nature.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to play with energy by backchatting purposely until I developed feelings for <person>, and abusing imagination to fuel this fire.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to hide because of fearing having a single trait in me that people will scrutinize.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed imagination to possess me, the imagination of having a single trait that is disgusting, that others will know me for and I become infamous for.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stand in that I will not trust my own judgment of my own character, in spite of having unprecedented access to my own backchat as secret thoughts, which enable me to be a greater judge of my own character more than any other person.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the belief that once one has ‘grown up’, one cannot return to a simpler way of making friends in that one become friends because of being here together, one has to make friends apparently through gossipping to prove how ‘real’ one is that ‘you can trust me’, because I am the same as you at the end of the day.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the belief that I will always be ‘less than’ everyone else, because I purposely do not gossip, and that apparently places a wall between me and the rest of the world, according to my imagination.
I commit myself to when and as I see myself wishing the world be against me, in the imagination I fuel and participate in, and in the words that I run my mouth inside my head, I stop, I breathe. I realize that what is God is the outcome that involves everyone, and in this all I can do that is worthy of Life is to ensure that nothing spiteful exists inside me, in my backchat and imagination, and to deliberately push for an outcome that is best for everyone – that is worthy of Life, not constantly fearing the worst in everyone. I Commit myself to worship the outcome, to stay grounded in the outcomes that are outflows of reality, and from trusting my own judgment, see what is really happening here, and decide a single course of action that will be mostly through spoken words, and I commit myself to remember to vy for the best outcome always.