I’ve been told that I write to make myself feel better.
At this new job, I’ve been exposed to an environment of suspicion; where it is really the 5 of them against me. My initial reaction to this environment was negative; an overbearing sense of despair and dread of the worst that can happen. And I could not tell you what that was, maybe it’s being fired from this job.
In this, I see that I’m facing the point of ‘fitting’ others into my life. What role will these other people play in my life? Because like someone said to me, I’m not here in this job just to be praised or lauded, am I? Yet, there is a sense of good faith that is lacking in the 5 people I have the pleasure to meet. Well, except for between the 5 of them.
Should I feel anything because I know for a fact that they share things between them that I am not privy to? Should I feel anything because I know that they have discussed my value in their business? Should I feel anything because I know they close the door when no one is around except for me? Should I feel anything because no response is given by them for the time I spend overtime to handle this job and these people?
And should I feel anything because I shared with another X my opinion that there is no homely feeling in this job, and within minutes see the change in the demeanor of the other 4 around me?
In my heart of hearts, there is a precept I am heeding written by Lao Tzu: those that don’t do good to you, also do good and doing so, you gain in goodness. Something like that. Oh, and “the violent don’t come to a peaceful end”. Something like that.
So, I think there is value in staying if only to like what I dislike. I’ve been suggested to “keep my eye on the prize” (I typed price) but I think I have to be wary of my own negative emotion, and at the same time consider who I am within all of this. What can I do that would be best, for all.
Also I’ve been asked similar questions which breed an interesting answer. X asked me, “Why are you here? (Working this job)”. Y asked me, “So what are you doing here, what is your purpose of being here?”
To which I answered, to gain the relevant experience of teaching cello and something else… which at the time I could not express in words. Looking back, maybe it’s the want to connect with someone other than myself – the social instinct to look for more people to talk to. But how can I say that in front of people? Embarassing.
Price. Keep my eye on the price, if I do, then I would immediately quit this job and only stay in the capacity of cello teacher, simply because the transport fees are exorbitant. That and, to be frank, the boss is quite frugal when it comes to the bottom line.
So, yes there is value. As a mind, I don’t want to spend any more time with these people; they are paranoid from my perspective. But like what you dislike. I also need to stand and state who I will be in such environments.
In the next post I will consider who I will be in a suspicious environment.