Once you have something, and that something is significant to you, you’ll be afraid to lose it.
Now I’m moving up in the social ladder of society, that means my starting point for wearing clothing had changed from pure comfort to ‘dressing up to meet people’. So in that alone, I’m holding assumptions about the ‘range’ in which people judge one another based on how they dress: shirt, pants, and shoes.
Someone once shared, with a whole network of friends and school responsibilities (this is a student), you would want to ‘get away’ and recharge in a foreign environment. Called dispersing anxieties, unhappiness, letting go of concerns for but a moment, I happen not to agree with this philosophy; that I must blame my environment – physical and social – for what I am feeling, and search for the perfect picture reality for the orgasmic experience of happiness. To me, this is like defining romantic relationships according to fucking, and believing that I ‘own’ her now that I got to fuck her, and seeing the act of sex as moving up in the social hierarchy, “I convinced another through words and touch to do something that is deemed intimate and private, in a way forbidden: you can’t just tell the world when and how you fucked your partner. In essence, defining an action or being in a picture to mean something symbolically – only in your mind – living out an opinion. I’ve been there, done that, and there is a lot of heartache to be had when reality comes crashing in always unexpectedly.
Back to the task at hand. Part of the reason for having anxiety now is not taking depression meds, more importantly having and believing in my past of social anxiety: by the end of grade school, with being stuck in my vocabulary of what is possible, I got distracted and lost touch with what I can do to nurture relationships in general. I did not know how to manage a social life. With observing the prejudices of myself and others around me, and how unpredictable that is because you do whatever you like, it’s your life, a specific question came to mind: How can I cater to each person’s prejudices so a relationship is possible? I couldn’t articulate it then, but technically, a relationship is always possible with every person, due to every person having their personalized network of friends; that friend could have been you in another life.
Plus, being a product of my environment making space for specific experiences, and these experiences forming the foundation of my reasoning, my current main personality – the way I present myself now – is programmed, and like a computer, it is possible to switch programs meaning: if I was in another life, in another environment, my friend’s environment, I could have become my friend. The possibility of becoming who I am now is dead.
Establishing these facts to the death of opinion, the primary reason for my social anxiety was believing wholeheartedly that I apparently don’t know how to relate to others, therefore (jumping to the conclusion) everyone hates me because I am not a good fuck – I don’t offer any social or emotional benefit – to anyone, because everyone knows. They have friends and speak like friends to them, therefore everyone knows how to establish relationships. Like a math geek looking at my working, therefore everyone can see that I don’t know the mathematics of relationships. I am doomed to the life of a hermit in spite of wanting to interact, and in a statement of blame, I was born alone with no guidance on relationship building 101.
Steeped in the emotional reality of my mind – specifically being sidetracked by the feeling that is love – I looked at myself with rose-coloured sunglasses. I have friends, therefore I should know what I can do to nurture and grow relationships. But asking myself how, I “didn’t know how”. Quotations because I was deceiving myself, in this topic/group of words roughly called relationship, I separated myself from physical reality meaning I was ignoring facts: that I am one physical body, plus another, and we relate through thoughts, words, and deeds. Thoughts are included because thoughts attracted a specific presentation of myself to the world.
I hope this explains roughly why I was socially anxious. My previous network of friends in Canada I was separated from, requiring me to create a new network in Hong Kong, but with this shit, it was as if being forced to go to work without pants on.
Anyway, the event I’m looking at is the personally programmed sense of longing when in the vicinity of two or more people being good friends with each other. Being good friends meaning talking about things I disagree with, yet is being agreed on and enthusiastically received by another person. In this longing, is the “insecurity” generated by the statements previously touched on in this blog, the father of my social anxiety. So like reminiscing on memories, getting off the meds unlocked, unblocked, me accessing these memories, and with writing about it, I understand the fuzzy logic that I used to program myself to be unstable in spite of being in a very stable physical reality, with very clear physical needs. So I can, from the bottom of my heart, let go of such memories and stop the addictive habit and the perceived high I receive when indulging in such a pattern of thinking. Generally realizing that this is not best for me, nor is it such a great feeling when I have to deal with so many consequences in reality for this bastard girlfriend of a habit.
So one layer of social anxiety has been untied and let go of.