Eating at McDonald’s, I saw a familiar face. Not a familiar face, but a familiar way of presenting oneself that I know I have done and probably am doing. It’s arrogance.
Presenting myself with all the hallmarks of a trendy, confident adult: good body shape, walking with swagger, identifying and looking at other similarly priced objects – I mean people. And looking at them in a dichotomy; I have all of this, but I want more that I see in the other. I am afraid of losing what I have, I am afraid of losing just because I did not assimilate the other coolness that I see in this other girl. Assimilate meaning copy the mannerisms and gestures that I personally see as cool, it’s a double meaning, meaning also possessing her through a relationship, add her to my list of toys. Toys being defined as all of the things that I use to bolster my personality and my ego, be it physical stuff, mostly mental fuzzy logic reasonings around what cool and all the personally desirable words I want to live practically implies, and the illusion of social standing, the mental reasoning behind every relationship – general – to justify accepting and allowing a particular version of society/people to permeate and infiltrate your mind’s programming, all the while I feel like I’m flying high falling in love.
Today’s event is of the latter, a social construct. Even in my writing I am wary of this arrogance – so more often than I’d like to I change the words in my writing because they are more flamboyant than communicative.
In the personal, the consequence of being arrogant is simply not being equal to my physical reality. Meaning I lose touch with reality and do some really uncool things like trip over. I become lost in an idea of myself more than engrossing myself into this physical reality, my two hands and the machines I am able to direct and manage, I become really unattractive in my eyes because I think the most pretty thing is a newborn, because Life is obviously what remains before the incisive attack to become mindful by us people. One perspective is this: in spite of maturing into full physical maturity, like a ripe fruit, those that haven’t learnt how to be cool should have equal authority and confidence in themselves to question and participate in this physical reality. But they don’t, as I see I would not be as confident if my body were not fully mature. What fun it would be if I could design my mind to be okay with living in any position in the world, at any stage of life? That’s the aim.
Interpersonal. Obviously I limit myself from being able to communicate with “uncool people”, because I’m fucking afraid of ‘this disease’, and did I mention that I lose touch with reality that is the price of being cool? I polarize my world into good and bad, cool or not cool. This leaves a fatal flaw in the design of my character in that I will eventually be unable to stand communicating and unable to be in a beginning stage of anything, while I separate my world into good and bad, I create a space to disassociate myself from the parts I find uncool of myself, and worship an idea of cool such as a manner of walking, while denying, suppressing, vehemently cursing at 1) those parts of me 2) people that reflect and remind me of those parts of me 3) girls that remind me of “the worst” in me. Being cool stunts my growth as a social being needlessly, as it is needless to be cool as you will notice, nobody cares really. Everyone’s busy with themselves and their image, including finding their perfect image in others, like how you do. I can go on and on about the permutations of this mechanism, but I’m sure you get it.
Universally, in terms of the world, wars are fought because you don’t like someone, because of your decision to make up personal issues with them. Intimacy/communication is impossible, and that opens up another can of worms I don’t need to explain. Gossip abounds due to this separation – the internal separation into cool and uncool/good and bad, the external separation of being attracted and repulsed by objects and people around you WHICH IS just a permutation of the internal separation, or a reflection actually.
In the next post I will discuss the solutions and rewards.