Day 399: How I Solve Conflict

What questions and statements would I like to ask X, and more IMPORTANTLY, what does this say about ME?

– I don’t “love” you, I like you and am attracted to part of the value system you stand for reflected in your actions. Why? Because my ego happens to be the same way sometimes, and I realize and understand that I am merely looking at a positive judgment of myself when interacting with you, so that’s why I can’t say I love you, but I like you.

Personal problem with this statement: self serving, want to present myself in a specific way, to promote and display myself as mature, and in that maturity sexy to attempt to attract X to me. Starting point interest is relationship with X, indicating expectations of X to in a way, be my ‘saviour’ in terms of learning about the practicalities of the female mind, I like her, therefore she likes me and I want to be her girlfriend/platonic friend, talk about girl topics and learn and educate myself.

Interpersonal problem: I’m saying the equivalent that she is butt ugly, she is not beautiful, which triggers points of insecurities in her pre-existing which makes me an evil child. Evil because I am responsible for what I see, I need to give up my life to serve the lives of others. That means basically, say words in a way that does not insult her, and make it clear that you want to be friends with her that’s why I was so enthusiastic in my approach, which is most likely interpreted as me being attracted to X. What really happened is according to the ‘style’ I stand for, less is more roughly, I should be attractive to the kind of girl X appears to be because we hold similar opinions as to what is beautiful, I interpret her to want to take responsibility and does so effectively so in my mind, I am one, estatic to find ‘one of my kind of personality’; I am holding a belief that even as a human that shits the same way, I am apparently alone and special in that oneness, because whatever I find to “guide me” becomes part of and pats on the head my definition of specialness, separation. Justifying this by thinking, I want to stand for what is best and my entire world does not want to actually do that, making me better than them comparing my starting point to theirs, though I have not really investigated their starting point through communication, I’m going by the rash judgments I make of people based on what they do, educating myself on the worst possible deeds, thoughts, words people can say to and about me. Bolstering my idea that “I am SPECIAL in a GOOD way”, INSTEAD

OF shifting my attention to the similarities each person shares with me from the perspective that if I were exposed to the same experiences, I would most likely end up being them exactly how they are, in thought, word, and deed, and personality. So in that way, we share the same mind and that oneness of fuzzy mind logic, seeking that oneness, empowers me to support them through thoughts, having no harmful thoughts about them, words, speaking words to support them, and deeds, designing and identifying the equation that defines and programs me. I’m rushing through my statement directed at X, expecting support when there is no reality indication that she is willing to support.

How I harm the universal through this statement, everything I say and do will be scrutinized by the group, as a representation of the parts of my subconscious mind = my subconscious mind will scrutinize every single detail I do, and I am accepting this belief as if it has to be this way, complaining about it through my attitude towards the group – a suspicious, morose, severe, cynical character – INSTEAD of STANDING in the sty, becoming equal and one with the poop understanding that it is raw material to create human beings that are best for all, though they have to create themselves. I must stop going to war with them in my mind, they can sense that I’m internally putting up my defenses. Instead I may seek to understand the reasoning behind this energy-driven pattern. I require to stop mentally creating a moat with their shit reactions, separating myself from them and believing that this is what is good, I need to learn from the pig that wallows and enjoys the shit because shit is LIFE TOO, Lie waiting to be born and an egg that I cannot fertilize for them, they do it to their own egg.

What else do I want to say to X?

– I want to show off and display myself, LOOK WHAT I CAN DO, I can change myself to do what is best and that makes me sexy LOOK AT ME. I am the perfect guy for you. I KNOW I am a superior model of male than anyone you are looking at to form a relationship; come away with me. I am dry and witty. I am making a brand for myself in the minds of women to secure my breadline.

This is basically the same statement. In the personal I am basically giving an exam to X HOPING she will get the message that I encrypted in ‘my explanation of myself’, when I need to forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deceive me into believing that my explanation is physical, when it is energy driven, relationship driven, and stinks of wanting to control X to relate to me energetically, I am deliberately finding ways to trigger her as myself to relate to me emotionally. I am opening a Pandora’s box that I have no idea of the consequences. Yet I DO = I am wishing her to be a program the same program that I transcended which is the program where I enslave myself to a female/she enslaves herself to me through the principle of obsession. And through obsession trigger her desire for sex, and yes I want to fuck her.

I want to feel what a nice ass bouncing on my dick feels like, I want to status symbol of I have fucked before. I am abusing her by abusing her preprogramming, part of it, at least trying to, and there is a consequence for just trying to, which is I become equal to what i create. I become an evil so perfect in its fuzzy logic, sex driven, I think it’s okay and normal to do everything in my power to attract sex to me. De-manned, demon, demons-are-crazy I think it is her choice, her making that choice to be with me when I manipulate her, which is really me manipulating myself to manipulate her. Why choose consciousness over Life? Why do I think it is in my greatest interest to have sex through devious underhanded means? Because I’m crazy, delinquent in denial, so obsessed with that point of sex that I relate to the energy and separate myself from reality, what is reality, reality means what I really do, the 99%, ALL about others. Repeat after me, consciousness commands, and I somehow submit because of symbols of apparent authority. Then I think and believe these thoughts are me, that the fuzzy logical way to do it is that, and the consequences in the universal are extreme. In the personal I become a slave to my thoughts, the very thing I attempt, to inflict on others, I become that affliction, that application that program. So I can learn and stop and learn to live practically the best way.

Interpersonal. Everyone sees in plain sight what I’m doing and becomes wary, becomes suspicious as I would if a confident person kept proclaiming I am confident. I become known as a trickster con artist in the department of love, people scoff at me like Mrs. Peart: what the fuck are you trying to do love? You con, you can’t fool me. Between being aloof and totally deliberate, totally deliberate would be best for all because I am actually aware of every decision that I make and I have a conscience. Totally deliberate in doing what is best is best, because if everyone did that the world would be a better place to live in. So I need to realize the reason to change my starting point with X from wanting to fuck her to wanting to support her the best way I can, and give the same to all people starting with one. I created this mess, I better clean it up myself with some spoken words of apology.

Universal. I become the source of gossip for many. I destroy unnecessarily a relationship with one person. I get flagged as a menace and social danger by the group who support X, group.

Rewards. “Rectifying” roughly, my relationship with X is a social experiment in diplomacy. I learn to speak my mind.

About Kasper Kwan

Currently supporting myself in the process of establishing my words in the physical principles of Oneness and Equality. Had to start this process because I have allowed and accepted my words to be established in the mental idea of self-interest/greed, and only realised this recently.
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