Day 400: Girl Troubles

Agenda for X and I

Aims
– Present to each other our backchat around the idea of a relationship between us
– Discuss: start with the miscommunications and frictions that have occured by talking to her about what has happened -what your perceotion has been – why you responded the way you did – and ask her why she responded the way she did by going into retreat
_____________________
what hopes and desires and expectations, what experiences I would like to derive from this girl?

– I hope to be able to talk about what is happening in my life and weigh options with her

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the belief that it is humanly not possible to be equal to two people, having two limited perspectives, to identify what is best for all in practical terms considering one moment of participation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that two self-interested perspectives are ‘more equal’ to one Life perspective called common sense, than having to be subject to my one limited self interested perspective.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that a relationship will wholly solve the ‘problem’ of having limited perspective, and in a way can replace the obvious solution which is to let go of my self interest and embrace and stand for what is best.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the belief that two people weighing options together will be easier and faster than weighing the options myself and making a self honest decision, and also two people means, I believe, having the responsibility cut in half, so the ‘burden is lighter’.

I forgive myself that I HAVE accepted and allowed myself to believe that sharing my life and weighing options is the password for ‘yes you may fuck me’, giving me the opportunity to have sex with X.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to approach communication according to a spear that I direct to attack my partner until her ‘defenses are down’ and her pussy is mine.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to derive a high experience from communicating effectively with another, where in my mind I equate effective communication as ‘higher chance to get fucked’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘think with my dick’ meaning participate with the girl from the perspective of wanting to experience sex no matter what, I am willing to do everything it takes, jump every hurdle she ‘throws at me’, until ‘sex is achieved’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive girls wanting communication as if they are saying, “You have to do X Y and Z before I allow you to fuck me”, INSTEAD OF investigating the value of having a relationship – communication skills can be practiced and what I am can be revealed some more so I get to face myself more often – and the value of having sex – physical stimulation and a baby – then self honestly realize which is more useful, communication and self reflection through relationship, rather than sex through relationship.

I Commit myself to when and as I see myself interacting with any girl from the starting point of ‘thinking with my dick’, I stop, I breathe. I realize that communication in a relationship blossoms far more satisfying moments – of self realization and self accountability breeding self responsibility – than an isolated act of sex which lasts what, 15 minutes? I Commit myself to interact with all girls as human beings, so interact with them as if they are guys from the perspective that I purely interact from the starting point of not expecting anything from them, and simply communicate.
– I desire to explore what communication can be with one single person other than my mother, the potential latent in open and clear communication

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define communication as self communication, purely me, talking to the spiteful part of me that is my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear communicating with others, out of the excuse/justification that others will “rat me out” and tell all to others about what I say.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the belief that it is intelligent to not share basically anything with others because they will betray you, and do the worst they can to slander your name, because I believe that others believe that gossip is the ultimate form of intimacy.

I Forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that others are reflecting back to me my own reactions, including the “I think I’m intelligent for not sharing anything with them” reaction, so I was stuck in a time loop.

I Forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse open and clear communication as a means to the end of sex, instead of initiating open and clear communication with myself to investigate my obsession with sex, because I remember that morning in September when I first was exposed to porn without understanding what I was dealing with in my mind.

I Forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that the energetic experience I felt when exposed to porn for the first time, was preprogrammed as a seed in my consciousness, I then started to believe in the apparent taboos surrounding sex, instead of investigating them and keeping what is best.

I commit myself to when and as I see myself pushing for open and clear communication for sex – I stop, I breathe. I realize that what I really yearn for is to be free of this fuzzy logic that ‘forces me’ to feel anxious when I do not obsess about sex, I won’t be normal if I do not obsess about sex! I commit myself to stand by the decision to stop participating in the anxious feeling when I consider things other than sex, to let the cons die on their own like deleting a pornographic picture generated by my mind – you simply do not participate until you are here, and the picture is gone.
– I expect to talk ‘girl talk’ with her – explore the female value system as a foreign country and me going travelling – that kind of excitement

I Forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare my ‘guy talk’ with ‘girl talk’ and make a judgment that ‘girl talk’ is apparently more grounded in reality than ‘guy talk’, in this validating the opinion that I think girls are superior in fact to guys in their ability to live life, meaning live what is best for the group.

I Forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that half and half of the world are guys and girls, therefore both parts, in isolation, are not the whole picture/the whole consideration, so as long as I am self interested, guy or girl talk, I will still not have the effect that I desire to have on the world because exactly, my self interest breed self interest, when I could have bred what is best to support and promote what is best, like how a salesman constantly sell their frying pan and demonstrate its properties – the frying pan being your ‘lived principle’ that forms the foundation of your reason – and people do look at you from time to time.

I Commit myself to when and as I see myself excited to uncover a girl’s value system – I stop, I breathe. I realize that this excitement is hiding a fear of ‘not knowing enough’ to live in this world, fear of lack of knowledge of what is here, so the excitement is fake because the reason for it is fake. I Commit myself to instead make clear my starting point and stop coveting what others have.
– I want to defuse the energetic reactions I get from being touched by her

I Commit myself to when and as I see myself reacting energetically to being touched by X – I stop, I breathe. I realize that the reaction is due to believing a story about ‘what it means’ when a girl touches a guy, my history with defining the word ‘sex’ for me, and as such is not a valid feeling, it must be deleted because the reasons as the stories were never real; I made them real by believing in them. I Commit myself to investigate all things, so investigate my reactions to being touched especially by the opposite sex, and keep what is best.

– I hope to co-create a relationship that when it ends, we can still be genuine good friends that can speak their mind to each other

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the belief that forming a relationship as described above is ‘weird’ and ‘unacceptable’ by societal standards, which are actually my own self judgments.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the belief that a relationship is like a drug, that you light up and smoke like weed and then the ‘damage’ is done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame everyone else for convincing me to define relationships in such a way that it is used like a consumer product, then toss away when you feel bad using it or you just feel bad in its presence, in the presence of your partner.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that ALL relationships, ESPECIALLY one relationship between a boy and a girl, is defined ENTIRELY by what both people accept and allow, and what they think about topics, some more influential in the relationship than others.

I commit myself to when and as I see myself doubting myself as to my ‘ability’ to create a sustainable relationship in practice – I stop, I breathe. I realize that I am 50% of the problem or solution, and obviously my girlfriend being the other 50%, so provided I sort myself out, I’ve created half of a sustainable relationship, and through communication create the other half, my other half. I commit myself to give myself the confidence to sort myself out, and to sort the other out, in the realization that communication is that important and that’s why girls value communication over everything, and I should do because it constitute the other 50% of a relationship in essence.
– I want to ‘go up’ in the ‘social ladder of social success’ by having a girlfriend, a chance to induce an illusion of a heavenly experience

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define a heavenly experience according to having a personalized validation of who and what I am, which is where the girl fits in, and according to securing a means to earn money, in which I believe that part of the secret to earning lots of money is to be sexual and attractive so that even if you do not stand for what is best, you are still attractive and con the other person to give you their money.

About Kasper Kwan

Currently supporting myself in the process of establishing my words in the physical principles of Oneness and Equality. Had to start this process because I have allowed and accepted my words to be established in the mental idea of self-interest/greed, and only realised this recently.
This entry was posted in 7 Year Journey To Life, Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink.

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