Kasper’s Journey To Life Day 402, refer to the About Me section for context
The thought of X physically distancing Y from interacting with me boils my blood. I am reacting by being pissed off and angry.
First is the male-female relationship in general that I have certain worries and concerns and stupid beliefs about. Second is that it reminds me of another female that I asked politely about to go out with me, and that blew itself to smithereens. Furthermore, how I am viewing myself as the perpretrator, the traitor, the criminal that committed the crime of asking a girl if she likes me in written word. Third is the event and memory of Y declining my offer to escort her to the Chinese doctor I frequent, and the obvious lying Y did. Which places then into question the entire ‘friendship’ network I have been mentally relying on and the integrity of every interaction they had with me. I say so because obviously there must have been an external influence to convince Y that deciding to go to an activity with me is not good, which infers that I am not good nor beneficial to this work relationship network of people or this group I’m “part of” only on WhatsApp. So reading what I’ve wrote, this concerns the existential question of whether I am valid or relevant or current to humanity in general reflected in the smaller as this group. If I can’t “conquer”/stand equal to this group, which is but a small playground compared to humanity at large, I can say good riddance and verify practically that I have zero chance at making an impact at all.
I refuse stubbornly to become wily in my ways. I believe fervently that the way to sort out Life in general and therefore my own life is to be open, direct, and most important self honest. Not to be honest to others for others to misdirect into lies and cheating, but to be honest with myself so I understand what I’m dealing with for what it is. I believe fervently that no one can deceive me but myself; there is no deception, only self deception. So what’s up?
First is the basic fear of being casted away by Life/humanity reflected in the smaller as this group against my will. Solving, it’s my will anyway if this group does kick me out in practice, because I am responsible for the input I input into this group, which like a computer or black box calculates and spites to give me a very specific output. What is VERY interesting is there is conflict BECAUSE I am so straightforward roughly speaking. IF I were narrow-minded enough I would jump to the conclusion that care and compassion does not work; hate and loathe while putting on a smile! Gratefully, I am not as narrow minded.
I need to stop fearing conflict. Conflict does not mean I am wrong. Conflict is feedback and a reflection. I need to stand equal to the conflict and understand. I am not necessarily wrong because everyone in my immediate reality screams at the top of their lungs through actions towards me portraying me to be THE thief and criminal and bad guy. Luckily Life is more than the lying and cheating of human beings. Obviously I need to calm myself and stop assuming myself to be wrong just because there is conflict in the people I have relationships with. After calming down, what’s happening? Females in the group are labelling me a predator or at least something ill and bad. What can I do about that? All the wily ghosts I can do is be myself and keep on keeping on giving as I would like to receive. I’m just one person with one pair of hands and feet and one mouth with one version I spit out and one version I keep to myself.
How would I give what I would like to receive applied to THIS event, my friends discriminating against me? Give benefit of the doubt. I am stressing to myself that I am not necessarily wrong. After all what’s wrong with:
– listening to what people say when they are talking to me
– talking to people about what I really feel about certain topics
– blabbering to people commenting on frivolous things
I should stop the third point.
I should also stop emotionally basing my sense of right and wrong on the opinions of others as what they say and do in front of me and their obvious actions behind my back. It’s funny how human beings especially me can only do one of two things: speak the truth or lies, and how many reactions come from ME about myself when people decide to lie – sorry, when people decide not to speak the truth.I should stop basing my self worth on worthless lying friends; not in general friends, but those specific people that I identify as choosing to lie, yet are on the surface my “friend”. AND AND AND not hating these people either, not running away from them by not being their friend, not enacting revenge by lying ‘back to them’, I dare not take action on this matter. I got to trust myself that I will do what is best for all involved, thoughts, words, and deeds, especially towards a spiteful motherfucker. lol
As far as I can tell, I have not done anything wrong yet. I’m just overreacting to say it in layman’s terms. Wait wait, see what pans out.