I’m confused. Lately I’ve been focusing on trying to focus on my body and I “can’t”. Mostly I’ve been worrying about where I place in the hierarchy of human society, well, my slice of society.
Thirty spokes share one hub. So what I see for now as to the pattern showing itself from what I’ve been thinking, is I fear losing social standing. I fear the what if fear, I fear not enjoying myself enough or not as much as others, I fear missing out on the good stuff, I fear losing my job and through that my social standing, I fear not being good enough to hold my own future in my own hands so to speak, I fear losing what I’ve desperately tried to hoard, where what I’ve hoarded includes money, energy, feelings, giving people an experience when they’re with me, novelty.
So basically in spite of the 1 2 3 4 breathing in and out, “in between” I have been having these thoughts mainly around where I stand in my world. Instead of not giving a shit about what others think and standing for what I accept and allow and what I should accept and allow that is best. There was an ‘aha’ moment when I observed the obvious that at some stage of being subjected to all these double standards, lying, cheating, stealing, that I must at some stage decide who I am within it all, what I will be. That decision is proving illusive and probably simpler than what I think it is. Not so much a forcing me to but a decision.
I have also been investigating the point of the lucky draw, of being lucky to find a workplace that is supportive, and removing that point to see what I am, who I will be without that support. Though that being said, much of the support I perceive is ego support where I am being fed an experience with people and calculate in myself a sense of satisfaction in getting what I believe should be rightfully mine because I give so I should receive. Like more from the perspective of debt as in I gave you, now give me or else, and calculate as in place an opinion-based value on my interactions and jump to the conclusion that this is what I want and will make me happy. Which are trivial interactions that do nothing specifically to contribute positively to my financial and spiritual future. Gosh I should stop valuing such petty bullshit like being talked to like a friend. Love is misleading, and it’s clear in my case because in valuing being talked to like a friend, I retract from taking real self responsibility or doing what needs to be done to do what’s best. It’s as if the positive interactions in my life are a sedative that I use as excuse to be lazy and stop doing what needs to be done.
This kind of vicious cycle needs to stop. Of misusing positive interactions with people to fall and lull myself into a false sense of security and fast. Fact: I have been running around in circles in the same place for the past month through this mechanism call it, of positive interaction then sedated.
Then what should it be? Certainly there’s a case for the self interest of each person to spin a narrative that creates the least friction between each other, solely for the sake of their own greed. So meaning certainly I must watch out for people who treat me well out of self interest which is… ahem everyone. I must decide who I am, which kind of means I must stop interpreting what is happening to me, and rather see what is happening to everyone else through my input. Because interpreting is opinionating is ego.