Doubt is crossing my mind as I explore spiteful actions done towards others deliberately. Examples include not opening the door for someone, moving just that slowly to have the other press the floor key to the elevator, plain refusing to bring groceries home.
Plain refusing to bring groceries home: my mom brought them back home. I offered to bring them back home, only to be met with no sign of appreciation like ‘thanks’ and having the opposite of ‘here is the meat you also need to bring home’ and when I asked myself whether it was best for all to do it anyway, I thought no for the following reasons. This case is a reflection of my mom’s feeling that she has perceived power over me as my mom, and as the son I must apparently be servile and serve my mom well. Maybe just a Chinese culture thing, but it was clear this factor existed. My mom now refuses to cook the stuff brought home.
If I let it slide, I accept and allow her to further bully me into doing more stuff for her, so she can twiddle her thumbs instead.
Three, I had a reaction to the thought of her being more superior to me because I am left with the physical hard labour while she is left with the superior position of being a manager.
So for these reasons, is my ‘bad’ action justified? Bad as in no longer being the filial son that bows down to her mom through living behaviour? Yes, in that this is a worthy experiment to test the morality and integrity of my mom as just another human being. To conclude that no, she is just interested in her selfish gain. So what is integrity in a world where almost everyone is purely interested in their selfish gain, oblivious to everyone gaining as what is best for all being the best, for all, which includes you which is the real interest producing real gains for yourself alone, as well as others around you.
Yes, in that I am challenging my own morality ideas and getting down to the physical reality that everyone is scheming to gain their own version of glory and self satisfaction.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to my mom where I could not stand feeling inferior to her, evidenced by the observation that I was left with the physical work that is valued the least in the world and she was left with the best as not having to work that is valued the most in the world as management.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto the idea and keep the idea alive in my mind that to be good to everyone, I must follow the rites of what is good like always take the physically heavy stuff from my mom to make her life easier.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider that what is more important than the chance of my mom’s muscles aching from lifting heavy stuff, is that both as one and equal are doing what is best for all, meaning learning to appreciate each other for what each other does to make each other’s lives easier in a very day-to-day way.
Such as how my mom financially holding me stable is giving me the space to consider more than my own survival, and this chance of writing to find out what is best for all in this case. Or such as how I do the polite things to my mom to attempt to make her burden as me less.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to remain a slave to politeness and morals, in the blind faith that if I physically do what is considered polite in this world to my mom, no matter what my mom does or how she treats me, I am holding this relationship in my hands and keeping it together through my efforts apparently.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to consider that a relationship is two, which includes how the other person treats me as one, not only just how I treat the other person and that dysfunctional relationships kind of exist when one insists on a relationship where the other is not cooperating through living behaviour as a demonstration of their intellect.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that good things are good just because they are agreed in the system of capitalism and greed to be good.
I Forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that if what is considered good really good, why has a world that is best for all not manifested, why is one taking and the other giving, instead of all giving and working by the sweat of their brow figuratively.
So I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fully support greed and mischief in this world starting with the first relationship I decided to have with my mom at birth, and the decision in fact to attempt to create intimacy in this relationship with mom.
So I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not question my morality and what I consider good, in the spirit of what is best for all.
When and as I see myself trying to suck up to my beliefs, by doing what I only believe and not know to be good for everyone, I stop, I breathe. I realise that I must know the reason and know that the outcome, if I live out this action, that it will ultimately lead to an outcome that is best for all, and not just believe that the good deeds accumulate somewhere in the ethers as karma while the physical reality of my relationship is deteriorating as I am being sucked dry of my life as time and effort, while the other is taking and becoming fat. I commit myself to create every relationship I have and had, as learning from the relationships I already have here, and had as learning from my past relationships as it has already been done, into one where BOTH me and the other can enjoy the relationship as having it, makes us both stronger in our tolerance of the pain of change, the pain of not knowing what is around the corner as what will happen if I step away from the script preprogrammed as politeness. I commit myself to playing the devil’s advocate where necessary to bring about the best in a relationship so that both can reap the benefits of our coming together in those moments.
So when I am in doubt of my own morality, and afraid of becoming equally corrupted and greedy, I realize that the proof is in the pudding, meaning I am responsible for what happens in a breath by breath way in how others speak to me and treat me. I commit myself to educate myself, through straight up living, the absolute benefits of doing what is best for all, so that I can never be convinced ever again that a relationship of giving and taking is ever healthy or best for both parties. A relationship of giving and receiving is best for all.