After listening to an interview done by EQAFE, I was supported to realize a greater understanding of emotions. The role emotions play in my life, and not to spoil the whole treat, how emotions can get the better of you through repeated accepted and allowed participation. To put into perspective, it means asking the question, what happens to all the emotions I repeatedly indulge in over years at a time? Where does the energy of these emotions go? What is the consequence of years indulging in one emotion? Anger, pity, depression, resignation, victimization?
So begins my diary of the physical behaviours I am responsible for up to today afternoon.
Waking up to possibly a nightmare related to my workplace, I started the day with a heaviness occupying my eyes. My whole body was in a state of heaviness, to which I told myself and did breathe, counting my breaths. As usual I slouched in front of the breakfast in front of me as if in resignation of the routine I was most likely to go through today, justified by the same foods I was eating today. Salad, boiled egg, the taste reminding me of how I am back to ‘my life’ ‘my routine’ after going on a short vacation in China.
Walking to the train listening to my favourite music, I notice a change in the way I walk. Pompous would be how I would describe myself in that moment; arrogant in the way I conditioned my body to look as my body shape, chin slightly pushed forward, slightly looking down on the world as I walked to the train, the lack of weight in my step, a certain groundedness that used to be present when I was still nervous about how I looked in front of others. But still, slouched shoulders and back, in resignation of the routine I was about to play out yet again and go through today. What I find fascinating about my state in this moment is how confident I seem to feel inside me, with all of the physical behaviours I described, yet at the end of the day still slouching and caving in my chest as if to protect something I hold dear to my heart: I am still nervous about the way I look in front of others.
Sitting in the train, I notice my left finger raising itself involuntarily, in the most comfortable position my current state of being dictates. Index finger, the rest are normal. I am hugging the backpack I take with me usually, sitting on the edge of the seat to allow people next to me to sit comfortable. Slouching my back as I hug my backpack. This feels most comfortable, because I am holding something to physically block others from seeing or relating to that something I hold precious, symbolized by putting an object in between ‘everyone else’ and my heart/chest area. EQAFE says that the chest area symbolizes the center of your being, so it’s as if I am wanting to run away from relationships with others by putting shit in front of my being as a mask of sorts. Which correlates, as I often observe myself being especially polite in front of others in a futile attempt to override their spitefulness and something else. That something else being how people and I can dislike something just because of a free choice to dislike, or spite or hate. This part of me and humankind frightens me to this day.
Walking to the train door nearest to the exit of the station, I notice myself putting airs again. Walking pompously, this time evolved into a reserved arrogance which I see as desirable and attractive. As I walk past girls I find attractive, I move my right arm to cover my solar plexus the way I believe a gentleman would, looking ahead in nonchalant disinterest in each girl I pass.
That’s it for today.
What else? I’m thinking of re-starting my commitment to walking the Desteni I Process because I may observe all this of me, but as to the ‘how’ I will get myself out of it is another can of worms. So what I think I will do is see how committed I am really to walking my process of self awareness by writing every day for 21 days. If I can’t find anything to write each day, it simply means I’m not committed.