Day 409: Where the Fuck Are You?

Being an authority to myself, and in doing so spiting all others in self righteousness. Morose, determined to be against all others whom stand for self interest and greed, deception and unmade promises. I notice myself moving as if for the first time, I realize in my every movement reveals and exposes my true nature if I were only aware of this moment of breath. And in this a responsibility, a fragile and volatile sense of response-ability, in this realizing how easy it has been and is now to once again blind myself to the obvious that is my physical behaviour. How in neglecting my ability to respond, I become but another program programmed to receive from the system input that trigger my emotions to drive myself as program to continue itself and nothing more – nothing less. A certain formality, formalness now in the every moment I breathe and move physically, as if constantly being driven to the edge of a cliff wavering.

The cliff is not wavering, I’m just blaming my faults and not seeing the real problem; I am wavering in my resolve vested in me as I see fit. I see why not override this current robotic nature to only continue this program of action-reaction. Replace it with something of substance, grasping and delivering everything I have and am to all, in the faith that all is one and equal. The key is not to have first then give; the key is to give until everyone has, the revenge of the ego.

The revenge of the ego is not to wave one’s personality up and high without shame, it is to con you into the belief that the only thing that is good is yourself, against all odds and numbers. Hence losing faith in the few-and-far-in-between moments of good done by/as others, only seeing through rose-coloured glasses. Or is it blood-covered glasses, while one only focus with blind rage at the evil you observe in the words and deeds of others, completely ignoring the potential that you see in yourself to be good, also to exist equal and one in others.

Where am I? In my mind or on Earth? In a desperate fantasy of hero and villain, whether being the Dr. Jekyll resisting the Mr. Hyde of myself, or being in my eyes the One to rise above all others as if others are nothing, worthless fodder for the glory I am about to achieve once I verify for myself that I am good always in thought, word, and deed.

What am I? Dr. Jekyll, Mr. Hyde? The answer is neither, and both, because both exist as me, the part of me that resists the evil of me, and the evil that rages fiercely against the part of me that is good but defective in reality. Dysfunctionally good in a reality where evil as the weakest link in the chain of thought, word, and deed of myself are the true dictatorship that pulls me and has me gravitate towards self annihilation. The answer that is functionally good, practically good, is what is best for all, and that includes accepting and embracing me as all parts of me, admitting my grave mistake of siding with good and evil when they feed each other in a cycle in fact. You know this, when you look at the past but conveniently forget and remember only the heavenly drive to become a better person to atone for the serious evil you represent.

Who am I? I am good and evil incarnate. I have accepted and allowed countless moments to be sacrificed, crucified and gave up on life, and gave up on the me that represent life, when I sold my soul and directive will to a program, in the blind faith that the program has power over me, the world system has power over me to dictate who I am, what I am, and where I am at all times. But when I reminisce, what do I see but the repeated failure to stand for myself as the life, that I respect and love because I love myself. I love myself evidenced by the countless fruitless attempts to generate emotions and some kind of feeling in myself to feel alive, from that moment when I thought, I am not alive without this spark that seem so perfect, evanescent, like fire from the shit of life.

Who am I but the shit I carelessly flick aside, the same shit that awakened with the first breath I was born.

I need to be careful of the thoughts, words, and deeds I count from the moment I awake each day, and that this response-ability is not wavering because I am not wavering, I care about myself, I love myself, I matter to me. The enlightened self interest that should evolve from self interest is the realization that if I give until everyone has, I have everything I can possibly desire and want from this physical reality. And everyone has the same thing. Why do you want to have, under the condition that nobody else has what you have? Why must you be special at the expense of other’s lives? What if everyone was special, as everyone knows the potential lurking beneath the flaws and self righteousness of themselves? Can you handle the truth? The truth that everyone is equally as one special and worth it and one? Substantial, real no-more-no-less one being co-existing with all other one beings on Earth? That one can indeed live a life now worth living through giving until everyone has?

Then you can do whatever shit you want. But every action has a consequence. Will you gamble your very existence just to have some fun? Or will you realize that your very existence becomes greater and far more than you can possibly imagine if you continue the cycle of self perfection, perfecting others until all understand each other and undress the masks and gear one wear to deceive? Would the way you dress and the way you walk and talk matter anymore if you and each one understood each other? Would the way you dress and look matter if you understood why you beg and please for the perfect body, perfect manner, perfect disguise? Truly understand, that while you are both the hero that strive and neglect the evil, and the villain that scheme and wish the good to feel your pain, that you are the one causing all this drama in your separation while you side periodically with the good and bad of yourself? Who is the hero and villain that you wish and fear but yourself.

So what next? Self forgiveness. Forgiveness for all that has already been set in stone and done in a day. Forgiveness for all that you have done and will do in the days to come, in the realization that the problem is not your thoughts, words, and deeds, but that you have not tried to stop. Stop the dramatic cycling of being Dr.Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. Stop antagonizing others and worshipping only yourself. Stop wanting to be special at the expense of others.

After reasoning with you, will you understand now what Desteni stands for? Are you ready to take the jump? You are stronger as a group than you are alone. Will you understand the task that must be done? Ridding yourself of the drama and stopping and getting to the ugly facts in this reality? Like the fact that your money has been fuelling your ego all along, with no end in sight as to when life as all life will be fed and given warmth and affection? When will you invest in the really important things in this reality? Such as this movement called Desteni that strive to educate as many as possible the science of emotion, so that humankind may not be shackled by emotion forevermore?

Desteni. The cutting edge of wisdom.  The truth hurts.  But not as much as how you are hurting others just giving up on yourself like this investing money in your egoistic addictions.

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About Kasper Kwan

Currently supporting myself in the process of establishing my words in the physical principles of Oneness and Equality. Had to start this process because I have allowed and accepted my words to be established in the mental idea of self-interest/greed, and only realised this recently.
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