Closing the door to go to the toilet, I went and while I was going my mother barged in. She said, “I was just going to get a plastic basin to wash clothes.” “Why did you not put it back where it was X?”
I reacted to her words feeling massively offended. Does she understand what a closed door means especially when everyone knows the bathroom door lock does not work? How can she blame X for herself barging in with no signal beforehand? Oh I’m the one that’s wrong for needing to take a shit now.
So the problem is not so much her chattering, it’s me reacting to the way she is acting. “How dare she acts like that as if there is no order in the universe?” “What happened to what is right in the world?” “Do I just sit back and relax while she wreaks havoc on my name?”
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the belief that there is such thing as manners in the world when the manners actually support a greedy system that creates haves and have nots.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the belief that manners and politeness are good when they are allowed to co-exist with the worst in humanity to justify why the world must be the way it is right now.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that politeness eases the egoistic pain of knowing that your friend is also your greatest enemy in that they can at any time talk behind your back and stab you in the back for self interest.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed manners to be defined as the positive justification for the negative actual physical words and deeds that men enact, living the statement “but there is good yet to be found in man”.
I Forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that manners and the opposite are not the problem, it is my accepted and allowed relationship to manners, to the opposite of manners.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse manners by allowing others the opportunity to give manners when I feel offended, like a second chance or else.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide myself as the real unfiltered me through adhering to manners, politeness, in the predictable outcome that people will ‘get off my back’ and ‘leave me alone’ when I am polite with them.
I Forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to distance myself from others through applying manners and never asking the difficult questions, as questions that would cause both me and the other to stop and think. And not allowing others to ask difficult questions, though that in itself is rare.
I Forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to decide not to ask myself difficult questions.
Like what is my relationship with crudeness, the opposite of manners and politeness?
It’s been a running away relationship with being crude. Truthful words are not beautiful, beautiful words are not truthful. Lao Tzu. I want to hide in myself somewhere when I encounter a crude person, which quickly turns into hatred and loathing of that crude event/person/personality/character. Perhaps a bit jealous of the crude person, since I adhered to the rite that there is an order to things, an order of when to say something and when not to. When that is just an idea, and when my mind game as belief is challenged by something crude, I go haywire.
Timing is important when self interest is the name of the game. Here and now is the most important timing when doing what is best for all. Unhesitant, immediate.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to understand the starting point of why someone or an event seems crude to me.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that if I were to understand why I am polite and not crude, and also seek to understand why others are polite or crude, that the ‘packaging’ of the words and deeds does not matter so much the message behind it matters the most.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that I am polite because my parents taught me to be, and later on found that I more easily get what I want if I am polite, also when I am polite others tend to react in politeness and the boat is not rocked and my reality becomes more predictable and therefore more safe in my opinion.