I am having doubts about myself. Am I at the right place? What if this change of what I am and who I am not best for all? What if I repeat the past of having virtue as a child, and squandering it away for glamour and self gratification again? Anxiety, trepidation, fear comes up.
Another point that is influencing my perspective is how little likes I am receiving on Facebook and WordPress on my most recent blog. It is a new way I am writing myself, but what if this is not best for all? What if I am not changing in the way I had hoped, into a version of myself that is best for all?
I may be breathing but I have already done something set in stone as this blog, it will stay on the internet, but what about all of what I have done and not done yesterday? Isn’t that also set in stone and cannot be changed forever? So in this blog I’m finding a way to stabilize and shed light on what it means to breathe effectively, in a way that uplifts and supports me the most to walk my process.
If the key is not who and what I am, but that I am equal to and one with who/what I am, what do I need to realize? I cannot know the destination or how I will change once I let go of each pattern/personality/character in the onion of myself as ego. To walk understand that every single moment requires an awareness of all parts of the human anatomy to walk in the most effective efficient way. So to walk process I must understand I cannot wield knowledge and information as beliefs, judgments, backchat, rites to see myself for who and what I am. Only breath can defeat so to speak the ego, my ego. Being here to see what is here of myself, the obvious.
The obvious observations and fears that are triggered when I see certain types of people. Example: I see a fit couple on the side of the running track. Which reaffirms my belief that I must maintain my body to look a certain shape to attract the opposite sex to feel good about myself. That hence I apparently cannot feel good about myself if others do not feel good with me. It would be treason to the utmost degree heresy if I am just as confident in myself after a girl gives me a dirty look or turns her shoulder away from me. I cannot apparently just be here and walk as if I were alone in the world, which would definitely be different to how I walk now with all these beautiful people around me.
That people reflect the problem that is me back to me. So whatever I observe of others, I am doing to myself on a deep level. I just have to investigate deeply. What does weakness and submission imply, in the context of the statement Lao Tzu wrote?
“Reversal is the movement of the way;
Weakness is the use of the way.”
Weakness means moving slowly, slowing down with every breath, not physically, but mentally as thoughts tend to move fast. It means approaching things/events/situations with the softest touch, as you are weak, and daring to move one step forward only if all things are considered. It means self first, caring for yourself before even attempting to care for others. Otherwise if done ‘at the same time’ it tend to bring about a vengeful jealous version of myself. Reversal means observing myself before observing others.
So in summary, walking process effectively means to refrain from thoughts about stuff, and rather ponder on the character projecting such thoughts into my mind, looking at the projector innards instead of being transfixed on the picture in front. Bernard Poolman, a really direct and supportive character, said once to not trust your eyes and what you see with your physical eyes. In terms of walking process, that is true because where is the majority of deception encoded? In what you see the appearances that people act. Self first, no knowledge can save me, breathe, observe self before others.