The vindictive part of myself. That part of me that justified remaining silent the past half a year. The same part that made me feel alone when I was writing the same things a long time ago, “it’s lonely at the top”. That part of me that “represented” others that told me, you’re not ready to take on this responsibility. Of what? Of not only taking on points in myself, but writing it in a way that can uplift and support others and participating in the group of support that has written without me for the past six months. I watched time go by and people writing themselves to freedom in the time I rested, gloated on the progress that I made, hesitant on the progress I’ve yet to make. The rest of the work I must do, which is transcend my ego, that part of me that daily decides to be less than what man can be, a custodian for Life and for me.
I’m questioning my resolve and closing back doors – doors that I left ajar the last time coming – because I want this will, evidenced in the blogs I post daily, to be pure, I want to be what is best for all in the sphere of influence I have the privilege of being in. My first thought is that good intentions pave the road to hell. So there is a fissure in my deeds and my thoughts. Not to say that I should shut up again, but rather face the thoughts and start over.
History: the last time I was active in cyberspace, I was a seething pile of rage against what I thought to be myself, how could I become so uncertain of what I am and what I should do and why is there no money in it for me. I started my process on the shoulders of anger, at myself. Then it was “for others”, I’m a danger to others until I sort myself out, though I don’t know when that will be, I know better now that I’m still a danger until I START SORTING myself out. Equality and Oneness. I burnt out. I thought “this is what I must do to become eternal, to book a reservation in the afterlife because as long as I’m spiteful, I will do a painful life review and possibly die a second death, a death after the physical death.” But even the afterlife and 72 virgins waiting on the other side did not motivate me to keep writing. What reminded me was Bernard Poolman’s voice and the message he brought to life in the interview, The Revenge of the Ego. It is awesome practical stuff that everyone must hear and listen if it is your goal to become a better version of yourself.
Now it’s jealousy, or is it manifested consequences, when I see some in their blogs starting to structure themselves and grasp what walking process means, that I realize how much I let walk past me, the opportunity that I had that I let walk past me a little bit. Now I’m greedy again and want that chance back, not in the sense of losing face – I have been giving up face a long time ago – but ultimately I matter to me. I want to do this for myself. Do what? Become the version of myself that does what is best for all at all times, so stand for what is best for all in the physical world.
Then there’s this backdoor I now call it, the backchat of what ifs. What if others do not welcome your self change and it is what is best for all and ‘they’ do not welcome you, even ignore you and not give you support and not co create with you? What if this is just another one night stand in my vanity and once I FEEL good I will just stop again? What if I get tired of the daily work of blogging, and give up again?
So if you have heard the interview The Revenge of the Ego on YouTube, the ego is adept at using the what if fear to bar you from a point of change, especially a change that makes you stronger than your ego.
So the solution I guess is to breathe and stop what iffing.