It’s back. The resistance and the periodic sleepiness. Breathing through it is no use – it’s here to stay. For a moment I realized that if I were to do what is best for all, I would eventually have to give up all ‘my needs’. And this theme recurred in the form of walking past people that I thought were selfish, inconsiderate, only making things convenient for themselves.
So what I observe of others, I am doing to myself on a deep level. I have been living the point of “everything should be made convenient for me only” through points like not giving people more than enough space to walk past, overtaking others, and in conversation wanting to share my point, my process, no considering your process, your point. And it’s something I need to give up. A universe of new relationships is waiting for me. If I am going to expand and change and grow, the next step is to take on this point of me,me,me, and start to include others in my process. What does that mean: start considering that the resistances I get from meeting and interacting with people are my points too, and what a fabulous mirror to look deeper in the darkness of my seeming good-heartedness. If you have not already heard the interview Master of War – Life Review, being good and becoming bad is just one step away.
Now what is the point I Must grasp so that this decision is not a choice in the style of free choice, “I am great because I am letting you breathe”, into “holy shit I could have been you in another life please breathe”.
Starting to understand that to give until everyone has, I Must stop this ingrained mentality that I must be able to breathe before giving others space to breathe. Does that mean just giving people space to walk past, not overtaking others, and only considering other’s process and point? I think it’s more profound than that. It almost feels like pushing yourself aside time and time again to hear what the other has to say. But it’s your ego you’re pushing aside.
Revenge of the individual against the group
The recluse. The parent-ingrained idea that the world is a nasty place, and you are safe in the loving embrace of their money, which buys the home and all of the material possessions. The idea that if you do nothing and say nothing, there will be nothing wrong with you and no one will have reason to critisize you. When actually most harm come from men doing nothing. Acknowledge your equality to the situation at hand. You created this in your ignorance and spitefulness of the revenge of the individual against the group. Revenge for how those before you dared to control your every action and quantify it with money, either paying money or getting it, how they suffocated you, smothered your vocabulary with emotions and feelings. The first emotion always being fear, that jolt you awake – or is it lull you to sleep as you willingly put the blinkers on your eyes in the event some god has a plan for you. A special plan of evolution, becoming your better self, when there is nothing wrong with you physically. Physically. Physically. Mentally, are still these characters spinning narratives of thought and that is when you must breathe and disconnect, forgive, and start again.
I have come to a realization. I am on a whole other level of evil if I continue being the recluse because I am not taking responsibility for the lack of action I am committing myself to, and the decision to twiddle my thumbs in emotion rather than being here to see all the glory of human civilization, or is it the gory of human society. I accepted this gore the moment I thought I was a good person and imagination comes in basically placing a halo around your head, all the good deeds you intend to do done in imagination. I allowed this gore the moment I decided – yes I did decide – to value imagination over reality, because apparently viewing reality is crude. It’s like being a crab that elbow reality in the face to hold imagination in your hands when we all know what imagination amounts to. You cannot and will never hold imagination – it holds you, captivates you, spellbounds you into ideals that your character dictate to be true in the ignorance that reality has already set in stone, what is really good in this physical world. Deliberate, ignorance while you are the weakest link in the chain of your thought as jealousy, anger, fear of losing your version of specialness.
I have come to a realization. I must shut the door of imagination and OPEN my eyes to the reality that is the tonality and manner of the words and deeds of my neighbours. I must not act on the self righteous character that merely think this is the right way. I must respond with my ability to honour the human in front of me, and throw off, their ego. Response-ability. Responsibility. Breath by breath I walk.