Day 414: Confessions of an Alpha Male

Beauty and the climax. I’m noticing that what occupies my mind most of the time is how I look in front of others, and how others look in front of me = beauty. How can it be that the best amongst us, the most intelligent, also equally follow the obsession of having the perfect attractive image internally and externally, mentally and physically? Bringing the point back to Self, how can the best of myself, the most attention, the most thought, the most effort of me shine the shoe of beauty like a lapdog? That means, how can I invest most, if not all, of me into being beautiful? Beautiful morality, beautiful face, beautiful make up, beautiful colours, beautiful dressing up, beautiful clothing, beautiful body, beautiful me.

What does this have to do with the word climax? It’s the peak, the top, being number one to myself, then my world in that order. All this effort placed into clothing, makeup, plastic surgery, exercising for a particular body shape, is to in essence, create a narrative that you are a good person, you are in good standing in the world, and you are the best other half to be with and wait for it! Have sex with. Sex being the ultimate climax as advertised in our capitalistic system, we are so busy with imagining how we will be in sex, how others might be in sex, and all of this is rooted in our physical appearance. And there is a consequence. A physical consequence.

Confessions of an ex-alpha male. You see I was the ‘it’ guy back in high school, I was the one that all the guys despised because they were desperate to be as attractive as me. Having been impulsed to truly believe I was at the top of the mental ‘food-chain’, I have a testimonial to share. This yearning for a romantic relationship is not innate and is not natural. It comes from a fear that is activated in between being a toddler and becoming a teen, that fear can be described as the fear of missing out on something that is portrayed to be so amazing and impactful, influential on a person’s life, that you become curious. What can this romantic relationship possibly be, and then sex education comes in and in your ignorance, in my ignorance, you ‘see’ the difference between all the relationships you have now and romantic ones is sex. Then comes your first time masturbating and everything seems to fit. This is stupendous! I want to feel this ‘good’ all of the time every time I wake up. THEN you yearn for a relationship. And you close yourself into a box.

This purgatory, this asylum, is your thoughts. You wonder. Then you obsess and become fat from separating yourself from the work that creates the sweat of your brow, from working from the sweat of your brow, to lying still (in your bed) lying to yourself about how different something like holding hands can be if you hold hands with someone you ‘love’. Every physical interaction you can possibly think of with some person, you think that it’s better with someone you love.

And in the unlikely event that the people around you agree through your opinion on their words and deeds that you are universally attractive, your desperations melts into glee. Contentment. But in being the most beautiful, the most attractive, you become also the object that everyone else of the same sex compares themselves to. And like a child seeing another child having a better toy, and you compare your inferior toy to that other child’s toy, you become jealous and spiteful and all the hellish things that has existed to describe mankind. You become part of the reason why people are selfish and unkind in their jealousy and spitefulness.

And have you ever looked, really looked, at what happens inside you when you see an attractive female? You’re scared of being called ugly by them. You’re scared that you will miss out on the delicatessen that is this attractive female. You wonder to yourself, what would it feel like to have sex with her, how will it upgrade your experience of yourself if you were in a relationship with the attractive female. Within that is your fear of losing that reward, that good that is hard to come by.

HENCE the same applies to females that see an attractive male. Behind all the dreaming and imagining is just fear. People fear missing out. You become part of the reason why people fear, thus you become the reason why people do all the things they do out of fear, because you support one specific frequential band of fear. It’s like investing, isn’t it? You invest one cent into a company, you support all of what that company stands for.

You support one topic that people fear about, you support the entirety of the nature of fear. You create and uplift and support others to fear, they participate in fear itself.

So when you are the most attractive around, you strike fear and love into the hearts of men and women alike. And ALL the things people do out of fear, becomes your responsibility. What is rape but the utmost fear of missing out on having sex?

So Lao Tzu said it succintly. Beautiful words/people are not truthful, truthful words/people are not beautiful. What are people but the words they live, in thought, word, and deed.

If you are in conflict after reading my life review, there is help and it’s called self forgiveness, self honesty, and common sense. Those are free in the ecosystem that Desteni is trying, hard, to create. If you can hear me, read on.

If there is something to take away from this history, it’s to investigate why you take so many actions, cross so many bridges, to have the perfect self image. Be self honest, write to yourself about it and forgive yourself for the misunderstandings. Thanks for reading.


About Kasper Kwan

Currently supporting myself in the process of establishing my words in the physical principles of Oneness and Equality. Had to start this process because I have allowed and accepted my words to be established in the mental idea of self-interest/greed, and only realised this recently.
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