I ask myself today what there is to write, and out comes the answer, “everything, and nothing”. Because everything is in my mind, quite firmly rooted in what I see with my physical eyes. And nothing because these thoughts of self doubt and anger and fear and beauty, are just ego. I wrote for awhile before this post only to conclude that I am just accepting the bullshit of my conscious mind thinking, that train of thought that chu chus on and on and on in sentences.
I ask myself what are the patterns that led me to regret, and out comes the answer: being desirable, not being content and hence being covetous. I have a duty to write today but today is an ‘everything, and nothing’ day. Paying any attention to abuse in any form only feeds it, you create an audience for it, and abuse tend to grow because of you paying attention to it. The funny thing is, I woke up with the purpose of finding a topic to blog about today, and in my enthusiasm, I found everything yet nothing. Beauty and the mental chase for beauty has been a long time coming, meaning I have participated in this mental chase for a long time, and I think there’s no consequence? Yes there is. It’s that you cannot immediately turn back and stop. Try stopping caring about your appearance for one day. You just can’t. That shows you who is the real master of your life, and it’s not you, it’s your ego.
I find that there is a delicate space where lessons are learned or can be learned if one relax so to speak and stop pining for the next lesson to be learned from physical reality. If one would turn back and fall back into old ruts, that in itself is a form of self acceptance of your own creation, and that opens up the lesson doors. Getting excited, waiting for the next reaction that will really teach me a lesson, is like me not accepting myself, and like elbowing this reality and doing it for greed sort of thing. Like a wild deer, life lessons simply do not appear when you sharpen the point to critisize yourself, open the doors to see, unblock the openings to feel.