Skeptical. This is just another word for doubt, doubting the intentions of others, doubting myself being able to handle when the shit hits the fan. Ever since “opening my eyes” to the world around me to further look at myself, I’ve been living the word skeptical towards passersby. It’s like I’m afraid of what reactions may come up within me “because of passersby” when it’s about me. So physical symptoms of this skepticism include stiff neck and upper back, looking down and forward with the whites of the eyes exposed on the bottom of the eyes, hesitant movement of body, reluctance.
I need to understand that I never really got to understand me because I never bothered; I only wanted to hear what I wanted to hear from my story. So obviously there’s going to be unexpected shit that happens when I go into reality now with the intent of investigating what I really am. It is no race to be first in this self introspection: I’ll be there when I am there. Learn to embrace the unpredictable as those moments walking with real people, and also even at home.
The stiff neck and back is like preparing to fight. Bracing for impact as the fight that I believe will occur when I and others collide. But what is really happening when I am walking outside? What the fuck do I think is going to happen if I react and my body shows outside? No fighting. Just self exposing self that I interpret as infighting.
Looking down and forward. What I’m really saying is I don’t trust myself to stop being corrupt when I see that I am corrupt. Because a huge part of process is seeing how corrupt I really am, through the tool of going outside and being here to see when it happens. I therefore make the statement that I trust myself to remain corrupt when I see myself being corrupt, which is fascinating. Justification is quite effective in that sense, when it’s about ‘transcending’ that making sense point to consider all Life equally. Just like how to my mind, looking down and forward ‘makes sense’ otherwise I wouldn’t be living this behaviour. So obviously there’s a story going on in my mind about why this is justified. So just a point to be aware of when I do it again.
Hesitant body. I shouldn’t be hesitant just because I’m going to trigger reactions in people; that’s been like my soul purpose since the beginning. The people pleasing point. Instead of assisting Self first, I would “out of great concern” worry about other’s reactions, when the point of real concern is that I am choosing not to support me, I’m making the decision to support other’s egos, not even supporting them as a being because: I have not learnt how to support myself as a being yet.
Reluctance. Here I’m copying what has been written as a makeshift description of the sage by Lao Tzu, instead of investigating myself I would want a shortcut to beauty as the sage.