Servility towards people. Towards my mom especially. Now what I get about this participation business is that I am equal to my application, and each one is and in this way, we are all alone in our self honesty. The point with my mom that crops up is servility. I would “go out of my way” like a coping mechanism for the uncertainty I experience when receiving – constantly – from my mom in many ways.
The most obvious relationship is master and slave. I’m like seeing my mom as my master, implying that I must apparently be a slave. But already I’m starting to break that relationship because I’m becoming more self directive and self willed equals with her. But then there’s this nagging feeling like I “have to” “it’s the right thing to do” to act servile towards mom.
It’s the relationship history I have with mom. Like I bear witness to many moments when my mom was not stable, angry, depressed, emotional all around. But I would like to say that the one point that I never grasped is how I should be around mom. Here is this being with unconditional support, and you just aren’t told how to repay her, like many ways are suggested in terms of an emotional repayment believing I’m in debt to her. But how to honour that, that giving, I think it has to do with what Bernard once said to someone, “The only thing I ask of you is to show to others what I have shown you.” I think the simplest most effective way of repayment is to learn how to unconditionally forgive others and support them in spite of their bullshit. Spiting my own perception, spiting my knowledge base, spiting my experiences.
So far, that’s all that’s coming up. The history I have with mom in general and that’s it for now.