These hours have been quite lovely moments of self adjustments to unexpected events. So peeling the layers one by one.
First is an experience that I “had” at a restaurant where basically the staff disliked me and I was given a less than ideal experience. It’s amazing the lengths I see people go to to voice their dislike, I see a lot of potential in these people to give as you would like to receive. But the story is I came out of the experience quite distraught, tense shoulders and neck, overall very flustered. And I came to haunt myself and stay this way for a whole night. What I need to get is it’s not personal, but I was obviously not following their directions so to speak and just ate food. So it is unneccessary firstly to think it’s all my fault for eating at that restaurant in the first place. Second it was rather clear that something weird was going on with the food there, I was eating spare ribs chinese style and I tasted vanilla in it. It’s supposed to be black beans steamed spare ribs. About this second point, from my perspective if I’m decided to eat at any restaurant I should trust them to give me edible food, otherwise I’m just prissy footing my own fears. I’d rather not play mind games at any restaurant.
So if I’m clear about where I stand in relation to this event, I want to move to the next.
Second is an argument I had with mom. She decided to not pay attention to which car we should exit from to be nearest to the exit, and deliberately forgot (let’s give her benefit of the doubt), to which I simply told her I wasn’t going to go through the motions again to tell her. She got mad. I have her suddenly thinking it’s her duty to turn on the lights in my room, and pretend to care about me when she’s mad and angry at me. Anyways, let’s bring the point back to Self. I came out flustered again. I was in this fight or flight mode where people whispering to each other put me off. What was I trying to recreate in that moment? I should be writing out the timelines, but what I want to impress on me if I can is to not react to my reactions, rather be decisive about what I will accept and allow in myself as my mind. Because always always always when people taunt you, in any way, their target is your mind, they want you to react. That is how people ‘control you’.
I’m seeing a correlation. Both are cases where the individual human being decided to deliberately harm regardless of the excuses. I’ve never really sorted out that part of myself of ‘how will I stand’ when in front of me is a human being set out to annihilate me. In the past I would ignore and allow them to do whatever the hell they want – lol twenty years later I’m back to clean up the mess I accepted and allowed, and it’s not pretty. The only point I see is valid is to continue giving what I would like to receive, be it benefit of the doubt whatever, because that giving should not be conditional, it should be a matter of breathing, something as important as breathing because I am what my participation shows me to be. There’s nothing I can really fucking do, once the fucker is possessed by their greed, I have to stand and remain as a living example of what life should be. Just watching them get sick is a weird way of forgiveness, I mean I have to be willing to keep the door open for others to change and stop, that’s what I would have wanted for myself if I were ever possessed by anger.