Today I met a sales that had the charisma call it that to make me nervous. The level of comfort and belonging that her voice projected made me nervous. So obviously what I observe in another is a part of me that I have refused to acknowledge as part of me, believing that I am still valid and relevant as a mind trying to make sense of the world.
I have been comfortable with myself by myself for a long time, but as soon as I try to include others in this comfortability, I get nervous. I’m nervous if what they say or do will ‘hurt me’, so maybe this has something to do with vulnerability. I never got the point of how to include others in my participation without being affected by their participation, so instead I put myself in a hole in my mind and sort of forgot about this whole business of participation. Maybe it has to do with if I am affected by another’s participation self honestly, they are revealing and exposing a part of me that I have not taken responsibility for, that I am accepting and allowing to run rampant in my world as an observation forced upon reality.
So the word that opened up is vulnerability. It’s the embracing of the fact that who I am now is not fully responsible yet, that is why at every turn of a corner I get nervous about people and situations. Nervousness is a ‘coping mechanism’ I created to ‘hide’ from phenomena that I don’t fully grasp in words. Because what I am also finding out very much in reality is there are many experiences call it that that are indescribable, yet fully affects me as creator, created, and creation. In an ‘attempt’ to brutally ‘understand’ such experiences ‘on my terms as on my mind’s terms’ I would access nervousness to disregard such things, instead of being honest with myself that yes, I have not experienced this before. I don’t have the vocabulary to express this ‘feeling’ call it that, I am in a process of discovering the all and annihilating the me, myself, and I delusion and illusion.
So I have to ‘come to terms’ with not knowing everything, that everything is here but I have not grasped what is here. You know the mind likes to be all knowing and approximate experiences like “Oh this? That will be roughly that sort of experience”. I don’t know shit and shit get real when I meet people and situations that challenge my very existence, like this salesperson, people that have considered what I have not considered about what living can be.
In summary, learn to be receptive to “new” experiences, or rather experiences that challenge the very foundation of your ego or mind. Because that in a way is the real me knocking on the door to self realization, that as one as equal as ALL as self HERE, and not as one and equal as all as SELF HERE.