Self doubt. Especially the past two days of writing I’m re-reading my own stuff and I see myself struggle to make sense of the world. Instead of stopping the struggle in itself and realizing the common sense of it all so to speak. I am notably feeling aimless, yet I know the direction should be self direction, and has something to do with stopping my behaviour patterns. I made a promise to myself a long time ago that since who I was now was clearly not doing what is best for all, I would do anything and everything to change who I am until it is what is best for all in which I become somewhat unchanging in my principle. What I understood at the time as well was I had a lot of past baggage that I had to look through specifically in detail for awhile, and that this baggage was finite, so there will be a point where the self searching stops. There’s a point when it’s necessary to stop looking inside and start acting outside, which I did to much success. Where this success isn’t money, isn’t sex, isn’t relationships, but is substantial in itself which to this day, I cannot place in words. Maybe it’s Life. Having the know-how and the starting point to practically care for neighbours, in a dance of giving and receiving.
I’m spooked to be frank. The lack of conflict, inner and outer, spooks me. It’s amazing how the physical takes care of itself so to speak. But the lack of conflict and the positive feedback I’ve been receiving like having the privilege to eat good food at a restaurant is – kind of but not really – throwing me off. As an opinionated character, I can ‘see’ how ‘easy’ it is to fall into the trap that I am a ‘god’ for managing the logistics of my life, though at the behest of an army of human beings. We are codependent to the bitter end so to speak, best to respect and honour that over this ego-driven ‘god complex’. Still have process to walk.