I’m starting to get the hint. My ambitions are stagnating my actual growth as a human being and not as a machine.
It’s becoming clear that my ambitions were based off fears that has nothing to do with the actual doing necessary to grow or rather, stop my ego. Even my ambitions were ego-based, based off insecurities. And it seems the more I try to make my ambitions real, the more blinded I am by the actual process to be walked to reap what I sow. An example would be drawing a decent sound out of the cello. You see the cello and bow is a physical object, that is responsive to all the information contained in one touch. How much can you express with a single touch? A dog would demonstrate this beautifully. Hence the more ambitious I am with trying to draw a decent sound, the worse it sounds; I’m pulling myself away from the dance of muscles and tendons and ligaments required to draw a decent sound. So if you’re curious, I’m set on not forcing anything happening with my relationship to cello. It’s fascinating how the more you try, the further away you are from reality.
The more I decide to face my instrument in intimacy and vulnerability, the more it opens up as I open up to my instrument. The difference measured in tone is quite huge, facing openly your instrument opposed to brute force-ing the cello to be open sounding for example.
Then there is the brief stint with sadness as I faced that memory I wrote about in the previous day, probably an unresolved inner conflict. The solution I found was to let the emotions go, and answer that unanswered question within myself: What will it take from me personally to change the world, spelling it out for me. And it’s nothing of what I expected. I’m still angry about how this ego in everybody is playing master and controlling the things that matter in matter. Something so biased and puny, dictating how we are allowed to give to each other as neighbours. Anyways, I’m more raring to go do stuff after this jack-in-the-box memory.
That’s all for now