Looking into the many ways I sabotage myself, harm, mutilate. For some reason, there’s always this person in my head that calls for order all the time, it’s the helicopter mom that whips me into shape, “no you shouldn’t do this” “you should be doing that to get this result”, “no results is useless”. And this character I had decided to rule over me to ‘keep me level headed’. So I made a decision hours before that hey, why don’t I stop and see the difference it would make.
I stopped judging myself, stopped blaming myself and critisize and be suspicious of myself, and nothing changed. I’m still as fucked by experiences in my head the moment I ‘give into’ them, giving into emotions/feelings that means. I’m still…nothing has changed about the priorities I am living. And everything’s clearer now that I stopped this level of backchat. I’m noticing more of everything and I’m getting the feeling that there is a universe within every moment of breath here. Everything comes alive the moment I stop chatting in my mind. It’s easier to let go of a grudge when I hold it against myself in judgment and blame and suspicion of myself. I feel more spacious inside and every breath is more full yet it isn’t – it’s the same volume of air that means.
I think I popped another bubble. I don’t have to suspect myself anymore because my mind is guaranteed to show me who I am in real time. Be here to ‘catch myself’ in a self embrace and letting go and there’s no problem. I just have to be here and then there’s no problem per say.
Another pattern is imagining the future, in this neglecting the here moment. The problem with that is I’m worrying about something that 99.9% of the time will not happen – time proved that. Also I neglect to care for myself here, which leads to stupid mistakes like dropping a cup. Tripping over myself. Imagining a step when there is no step while walking. The list goes on. The most felt point is that feeling I project onto people that somehow they are neglecting me, well how about taking care of myself. When I blame, I know it’s something I’m not giving to myself, and I know it’s shifting responsibility.
So you know, alarm bells were ringing in my mind when I ‘felt neglected’. Interesting question: “Can I exist purely as this moment here in breath, with all?” And I have these formalities like unsettled promises I made with myself to discipline myself into someone worthy of Life. That’s where the helocopter mom comes in. Why? Because I didn’t trust myself to actually do it. But then again self honesty: I’m thinking a storm and not doing anything in particular with this thought storm. Self trust needs to exist at some point in my process. I successfully built that through the tool of self forgiveness in self honesty and absolute detail.