Desiring to be a master of this reality. I’ve asked myself the question, in relation to imagining the future, “What do I desire to happen to me?” The answer was to be a master at some point and uplifting and supporting others to be equal to my ability. But the priority is being a master of this world. Wanting a form of self assurance self confidence in myself, that no matter what I face I will be there for myself to support myself, and doing so effectively.
I want to think that everyone wants to master their reality. Removing my specialness in this matter. An example would be playing the cello well. I’m finding that it’s not only what I do that matters, it’s the decision I make as to what kind of motion I dedicate myself to, to play. The who I am and my starting point is equally important as what I do. You can hear it. I want to master playing the cello. But at one point of the process of discovery, because we live in a physical reality, it stops and who am I. Meaning what do I make of all the so-called scientific discoveries to the physics of playing the cello. At the end of the day it’s just me playing some tunes, I’m vulnerable it’s me and four strings. So in my experience all the physics is just a ruse for the cello to – provided I’m dedicated to mastering it – for the cello to ask me who I am, and I answer with my sound. And my sound can be heard so it’s no secret.
Back to mastering this reality. In idle moments I’m possessed with imagining my future. What does this indicate? It means I’m not willing to go to the lengths to actually create my future in my own hands using this moment. I would rather feel good and nice imagining a bright future. Heck I’m not here, I’m imagining the future. This has been a problem for me in romantic relationships as well, I felt content just imagining being in a relationship. I must decide, as I’m deciding in every moment: will I actually do it? In this nothing is certain, because the only thing that is ever certain in my experience is my mind. Physical reality I have found I never bothered to investigate. The mind is like a lover that makes tons of empty promises but I am still hypnotized by these promises.
What it will ‘take from me’ to actually do it is using something I deliberately disregarded for a sense of direction sponsored by my mind = myself. It’s hard to stand as yourself when all these years you’ve been denying it. But this and the uncertainty point are just excuses at the end. If I’m willing it doesn’t matter what I will face because I will direct the situation and myself accordingly.
So what to take away from this. Knowledge is useless, knowledge is weakness. Strength is the willingness, your decision you have to make for yourself. Integrity is more valuable than cleverness in the eyes of Life; it’s proven by the extent of access you have to this physical reality = I can’t make the bloody sound I want from my cello. Write the first blog if you can, test self forgiveness for yourself, and test yourself through self forgiveness.
Take aways for me. It’s not so simple. It’s not as simple as breathing and deciding and that’s it. I actually have to face my own insecurities and understand them completely before I can let them go.