Process update. I’ve discovered life within no life, life within being just a part time sales. And I’ve discovered that beyond my depression and suicidal thoughts, those moments where you want to just give up and escape, I want to express myself in this life. So a phrase that’s come up in me is “Expression knows no limits”, which to me means expression is here in every moment regardless of paycheck or job title, or any circumstance for that matter. I, at 24, finally found out my answer to the question, what is the meaning of life. I want to express a view of reality and the inner work that is best for all, to make real change simpler for humanity.
Just to paint a picture of what I mean by “Expression knows no limits”, expression is the very way you hold scissors, the way you walk, your posture, the tonality of your voice when you speak, your smile, please just insert your bloody example in here and it will apply. Expression is everything of you and your life, especially in the details of how YOU move in reality, what thoughts go through your mind what is your thinking process before you act, the very way you speak and behave implying your general attitude towards life/circumstances. As a part time sales for real, I tell you I’m faced with these existential questions of who will I be. Who will I be when I greet the next customer, will I understand that although it is the thousandth time I say hello, it is the first time they hear ME, will I half-ass this greeting and therefore a real part of my life that adds up into a life that is half assed throughout, will I greet them as if for the first time, what is the tonality of my voice implying, will I victimize myself to my job title, will I victimize myself to my salary, what is it I want to be in this real time moment, will I be angry and resentful that circumstances led me to this day being a part time sales, will I let my circumstances dictate my attitude?
WHO do I want to be? WHAT will I do? HOW will I do it? WHAT is it I want in this life? WHAT is it that I really want to do in this life?
Bernard asked me the last question. At the time I thought all I wanted to do was live a normal life by getting a job, living a profession, and being content with that daily routine the rest of my life. Today marks the first time I uncovered something in me that was already here.
Call it a “thirst” for life. But it’s not really a thirst that it’s a negative experience propelling me to a positive experience of thirst/desire, it’s simply a “hey wait a minute, I can express who I am right now”. All my past addictions, all my pastimes, all my expensive hobbies, was like a misunderstanding of myself of what I will like, what I will be satisfied with. Based on a modern religion of self based on childhood judgments of my world and myself, instead of breathing in the moment here to discover who am I. I find out that I will be satisfied with nothing less than myself. Anything less than my utmost potential and I will build up anger and resentment.
Aside from that realization, things have been stable on my end. Still in the process of creating something from nothing, trying to make a career out of teaching music. It feels like I am waiting for myself, everything all circumstances are here waiting for me to grow and expand. Yet the rate of this growing I cannot judge, if I judge I will make a stupid mistake, I’m doing something for myself that I have never done for me before. It’s the statement of you cannot compare your process to everyone else’s.