Something not sitting right in me. I look at the direction I’m taking, my life in terms of a future in this world system of money, the extent of my awareness of the functioning of my mind, everything’s in their processes but this nagging feeling remains. It’s like something doesn’t sit right in my stomach. Is it butterflies in the stomach?
Could everything that I mentioned be going a bit TOO smoothly? Since investigating the Desteni message and essentially working to understand my own mind for years, a lot of drama subsided and was prevented, who knows who I would have been if it wasn’t for the kind reminder that Desteni stand as. There’s a distinct lack, of drama in my world. It has its good and bad points. Maybe I’m overthinking about myself in general, as I have the tendency to think to postpone decisions and actions. I’m noticing in my general awareness an aspect of cutting edge to it. The moments in my life where I am breathing, I feel like I’m touching a very sharp blade, where moments can go either way. To the mind, or to life and living. And the extent of self responsibility within my mind, like if I fuck up, I have no one but myself to not blame, but to hold myself accountable. I’m alone in that sense. And to this day, I’ve mostly walked alone, virtually all the time alone, meaning I never created a relationship of sufficient intimacy and depth to rely on. That has its good and bad points. We always hear about the person that has a good relationship with a friend, but never the other way around. I fall in that category. And I am of the belief that many people admit this to themselves secretly, that they have no one to really rely upon. Because to look at it objectively, we essentially roll the dice when it comes to meeting good friends in this life, we are born into a part of society, and admitted into a school with certain specific kinds of people. So it just so happens that I never met someone that I would trust my life with.
The state of my relationships – as a human is defined by relationships alone – is very neatly organized in terms of time over a day, a week. I’m busy with the processes of further understanding my mind, learning to play the cello better, playing guitar better, having a part time job that’s a distraction from the weightier things in life. Armed with a good curiosity about people’s minds about how they spend their money, how they spend their time, and what variation of the message of “giving as you would like to receive” will strike the hearts of self interest. All of the people I interact with daily, are still on the point of doing what they fancy. Not to judge them, to say things for what they are, and embracing the harsh truth. I’m expecting more disheartening truths to reveal itself while I walk this process of answering the question for myself, what is the life and living of a responsible citizen of the world. Where the responsibility is defined existentially and towards humanity, because whether we think about these things or not, our words and deeds ooze of siding with sides. We’re making the decision essentially without making the decision. I don’t abhore people like this, but I am self honest with myself about not wanting to be like them. And most people have said something along the lines of that throughout the ages, but all of them fell and eventually hid themselves into the fold of adulthood. What will it take to stay and remain fundamentally different from ‘them’, not for the sake of difference in itself, but to aspire for a purpose that is greater. I suspect that most people give up somewhere in between growing up and being an adult.
I would like to never give up to anything, giving up is like a lived form of self defeatism. It’s believing sincerely that you have “not enough power” to deal with the existential problems, victimizing oneself, blaming everything and everyone else, having excuses and justifications masked in spite, but most importantly giving up on yourself. On what you can become and aspire to in this life. Even in limitation. Desteni has a worthy answer to this existential mess, I’m currently applying it. And it’s proving to be a vibrant source of self trust, self satisfaction, and a lifetime dedication and commitment to none other than yourself. Please remember, this world is the most atrocious example of greed history has ever recorded, but the salespeople of this world system would never speak of such heresy. The salespeople include all the entertainers, music, news, economics, politics, your average salespeople, products, companies, technology, a lot of people are actually working together under the banner of self interest to have you bet on this world system. In hope and trust, instead of seeing and testing it out for yourself in your own life. I’ve come to the conclusion that this system itself is the source of much distasteful measures and abuse and suffering and all the problems in this world, so this system itself common sensically needs to change fundamentally. But maybe you have more faith in the current world system than I do. All that I’ve observed is charities and NGOs don’t remove responsibility from the people to enact the people’s will. And charities and NGOs are band aids to a gaping wound of poverty and much suffering and moral dilemmas. Yeah I have a solution, but it requires the agreement of the majority to decide the future policy of the system. So I’m individually but we’re together responsible for this mess. We better get that into our heads, that this world is waiting for everyone to decide together on a direction. Massive explaining needs to be going on. But you will remain silent and think you’re smart for shutting up. But the ad nauseum promoting of greed in all its various forms, love and light, good and right and positive, I don’t buy. I’ve tested this shit out for myself. You’re the one that’s hiding and lying about your real lived interests. If you ask me, I don’t suggest the path of self interest. But if you insist, you’re placing yourself in the worldly minority, and that’s going to be a great source of fear. But you know, this world all this world needs is each person to take responsibility for themselves, because all each can guarantee is only themselves. I’m taking responsibility for myself. What about you?