It’s hitting me hard how seemingly futile this seeking for the eternally good and right is. The conversations I overhear, the conversations I am a part of, the life stories of people, all suggest humanity would very much like to remain the same. In spite of our collectively rich history and experiences, all of that is channelled to fulfill our version of self interest. If my predisposition were to be selfish and cheat a lot, I’d be a happy man. All of it would go unnoticed under the banner of free will and free choice. I don’t see anything good right now in the human right now. I just see the creativity with which people exercise to obtain their self interest. I can see why people don’t talk about morality and ethics at all. Anything they say about it will just reveal how selfish they actually are. You may pass me off as a bit crazy, but crazy is this world in how everyday the excuses and justifications are made to make that final push a bit easier.
So there’s ‘the world’, and there’s ‘me’. I don’t think I’ve ever investigated what I would really enjoy, my enjoyment has been a reaction to environments and people, and a reaction to the existence of emotions and feelings. So part of the reason why I’m complaining is because I don’t have the heart to try everything and see what I personally like. Don’t have the money to constantly try new experiences, but mainly I don’t have the heart to go out and try.
I talk to people and I kind of see what they must be blinded by or completely ignore to lead the seeming happy lives they lead. To laugh when there is nothing real to laugh about. It’s like people draw a line within themselves when they stop questioning their own existence, and then embrace what is already placed before them in plain sight; money, sex, relationships, products, experiences, travel, services, and the general curiosity to compare our own life to other’s lives. It’s like to see who can live the most sophisticated life of happiness, and articulate happiness the best. We ‘get what we need’ from other people, take take and take, and when we’re satisfied we leave them. Does that sound familiar? Unfortunately the state of humanity’s mind is such.
And it’s this state of human being’s minds and understanding what preoccupies them that leaves me a little cold. A tad cold hearted, seeing the obvious and not coming to terms with it from a perspective of embracing the prevalent self interest. I’m the real greedy one, I see how much more people can co-exist, and I won’t settle for relationships in situ. To me it’s like being faced with an unfresh fish, I react in distaste and want to throw up if I ever in my beingness genuinely embrace the current state and form of human relationships. A relationship of giving and taking, taking as much as can be justified and accepted, and giving whatever.
As you can tell, I’m not happy. How can I be when seeing what people are, and what they must be to create a world that is better. It’s like everyone is trapping each other in this constant relationship of giving and receiving, being very specific conditional about each of the points. Yes, it relieves me that I’m able to articulate what is actually happening. No, it is not enough to create a world that is best. But I’m always investigating, always searching for the magic formula, if there is one. Every time I think about suicide, I clam up being the sore loser that doesn’t want to lose to the system. I don’t believe it is necessary that I have to lose, and I believe it’s possible, very possible, that I can win this whatever you call it. I can win, I see no possible reason why I must lose, that’s basically why I’m still here. I’m a sore loser, that gave up all hope and only see what I can possibly do to accelerate this process, because moving out of self interest is a process. The necessary procedure to get there though, I admit frustrated me at times.