Process update. I watched a timely interview by Bernard Poolman titled 2012: As Above, So below. After I watched one more titled The Detail and Specificity of Desteni Process. Then I realized that I have to be more closely tracking my words especially in this blog to identify the preoccupations and experiences that I require directing with responsibility.
Words popping up as experiences in my consciousness: suicide, enjoyment, happiness, morality, attention, conditions of existing peacefully, purpose.
Suicide is a matter of morality based on the conditions of existing peacefully. It ties in with happiness, the role of attention, and what is my purpose. So this feeling of “being at the absolute lowest point” is coming up. The excuse for it is I don’t see anything in my life moving or changing. Immediately, what am I doing to change my life? What is it about my life now that I’m dissatisfied with? I’m dissatisfied with the position that I’m unable to financially nurture myself a life. I’m dissatisfied with the state of my immediate relationships never talking about life and only about the immediate pressing needs. I’m dissatisfied that no one wants to talk to me about life, and only about immediate pressing needs.
What I’m doing to change my life is practice. Practicing cello, practicing effective writing, practicing living, practicing balancing my emotional state, practicing meeting problems as they appear, practicing taking self responsibility.
On the conditions of existing peacefully, it’s definitely not what media suggests it is. Money, sex, relationships, products, experiences, knowledge. Money is the point that practically gives you a life to worry about, so that’s one of the points I should be aware of while I’m practicing. I have to admit that the quality of my relationships is not something that I would like for myself, what I would like is sharing life experiences and lessons learned, but even that is a source of deception so why would I like that to be part of my relationships. To describe relationships I want more clearly I want relationships that give a fuck about my life. Right now the relationships are social obligations and necessary procedures to logistically organize life with my influence in it. Sex is just sex, it’s influence is what you make it to be, I’ve successfully reigned in the desire for sex from wreaking havoc in my life. Probably because of a process I walked with investigating the origin of my emotions and feelings, I no longer have an addictive relationship to spending money or acquiring specific products, that was a nice side effect of simply being thorough within myself.
But yes, what a revelation that my immediate relationships actually influence how I feel. But is it to then be picky and exclude people from relationships? I think that’s going to extremes to compensate for my innate desire. Maybe it’s to accept that majority of relationships will be social obligations, and focus on developing the few relationships that I see have potential to do the life sharing part. Because to be practically honest I only need what, one or a few of those.
The past few weeks have been me exploring what happiness means to me, though I haven’t given this enough attention. But for me happiness should be aligned with my purpose, and purpose aligned with my happiness. So I would not like to allow myself total free choice where there is always a consequence to every action I commit. Happiness and satisfaction being “derived” from actions, I’m frankly skeptical of discovering what actions I would enjoy the most, it seems to me that I would be validating and reinforcing old habits that aren’t necessarily aligned to my best interests. But my blog is showing how important it is to know what you’ll be happy with and heed not ignore or show disinterest to what you’ll be happy with. I mean even in a principle of best for all there is room to play, just make sure whatever I’m doing I’m not doing for my mind/past, I’m doing for myself and examine that all the consequences of those actions to happiness don’t harm anybody.