Today I discovered another shocking truth. I can be temporarily satisfied with a good hike and good food. It’s no wonder people do these sort of things all the time, to temporarily achieve satisfaction and create the illusion of continuity with their satisfaction. Delay and postpone the inevitable dissatisfaction and question of what is the purpose of existing on Earth. Because this society is promoting and hard selling a very particular definition of self worth, that is experience and material based, that requires your utmost dedication for the illusion to become real. It never sit right with me because in essence I have no choice but to insert myself into a creation that was preplanned and preorganized by the fathers, that ultimately doesn’t give a damn what *I* want, the system is like saying, “Here are the various desires you can choose from, your freedom of choice is only to this extent, you’re either with me or against me and you don’t want to be against me.” It’s like the belief in money, or a god, that tacitly says these type of things and always out of fear, you in the end accept what is given, or is it what is taken away, and try to reason your way within the bounds of the limitation your satisfaction.
I’m more greedy than that, I want to have my cake and eat it too; I want a world that is best for all so I may be able to live a life that is best for all and have more freedom than I have now to explore whatever interests I may have. And I’m greedy in that I want this for everybody too.
But does it mean I’m a phony that can’t be trusted if I can be temporarily satisfied by a good hike and good food? Those two points really had me forget about the suicidal thoughts and how everything in my daily life seems to not be moving an iota in terms of principle, and how futile this seeking for what is eternally good seems like. I can already imagine the conveniences afforded by money if you have enough of it as a monthly income, but there’s just no replacement for a world consisting of people that are united in the seeking of what is best for all. I like to think of this as my strength, that I see the difference between illusion and reality and can stick to reality, only serving one god. But that there is preparation for way out there in the future when there will be a need for someone to take responsibility.
To answer myself, not really. Bernard once told me to have a little fun while I’m “creating a world that is best for all”, I think enjoyment is relevant in affording me the patience to walk this existential process with everyone eventually. Just because I enjoy something, doesn’t mean the principle is forgotten or lost, it sticks out like a sore thumb. And I can’t refute how I may be enjoying myself absolutely, but the work to show for the principle – to further the work that is best for all – will be exceedingly slow and deliberate and basically my enjoyment does in no way reflect the “progress” that is decided by everyone. It does not change what must be done by everyone for everyone to have a world that is best for all. Enjoyment does not fill the gap between our state now and the state we must be in to actually create a world that is best for all. From a certain perspective, personal enjoyment viewed existentially is the kind of thing that you decide how much is enough, and that there is no right or wrong answer or the best answer in it. The argument against personal enjoyment though is it can vary wildly, but it does not reflect the progress we make as a species, talking about the things that will really satisfy a human.
But with self honesty applied, enjoyment has a relatively miniscule role but equally crucial for the actual long term walk to what is best. It’s like enjoyment is a part of me, and I cannot resist parts of me that would just introduce wild factors within myself unnecessarily for a lifetime project that requires consistency of self application. So the point of enjoyment – which is similar to a conversation I had recently – boils down to you must live self acceptance, and apply self honesty within that self acceptance.
So at this moment self enjoyment is a kind of thing that varies within myself all the time, but that up and down movement doesn’t define who I am or what I am here to do. I’m not going to mentally justify resisting self enjoyment within myself when it happens. But I’m not going to put in a lot of effort to discover my self enjoyment within everything. It’s like a comfort feature in when you’re selecting options for a new car, some things like the engine are crucial, that would equal constant self-application, self-discipline, self-honesty, but self enjoyment is one of the comfort features. It will not affect what you must do, to get from point A to B, but having it makes the ride/process exceedingly more enjoyable, which one can argue leads and affords one a consistent state of calm when approaching new things, patience to walk with everyone, encourages the interest to delve more specifically into process. Where I define process existentially, it’s the continuous answer to the question Who are you right now.