Day 578: History

I was born, and I lived in Hong Kong until I was 2. I remember probably my second birthday and remember taking a photo of me going to preschool, remember an uncle letting me sip his beer. I was taken to Canada at 2 and I remember my first bath when I was screaming scared of being alone in the bath. I would sleep in the car while my mom drived my two sisters to school, until I was probably 3 when I had to go to school. I met a person at school and he was someone that understood what I was experiencing my first day, and I did everything with him. Soon I called him my friend, and we would visit each other’s home from time to time. I met a few other guys and became friends with them, and probably my first enemy appeared, because he was the enemy of my first friend, that understood my first day at school. I didn’t realize it but listening to my first friend speaking about him I was listening to my first gossip. But what my first friend said about him was true, I saw for myself how he wanted to project himself a certain way, valuing his personal achievements more than I would. But I didn’t see him as wrong, but I would not choose to act the way he did, I was more focused on the daily playing in nature during recess. Everyone has their tendencies and preferences, and I was equal in that. Breathing in the fresh air and the smells of nature was something I enjoyed. Along the way I beared witness to dissecting a worm, grasshopper, applied myself in the vocabulary that was taught, and I was under the care of a teacher, that I said to myself I want to be under the care of this teacher for the rest of my life. Sex didn’t exist in my mind, but I was recipient of much support and guidance through the general knowledge of life on Earth by this teacher, and that point made me attracted to her.

Learning was a routine and process that I enjoyed, I had no resistance to learning. I remember being in chess class and wanting to be the one chosen for his outstanding improvement, and being disappointed and gutted when someone else was chosen. It was during these days in this school that I marveled at nature, I remember asking myself if I wanted to be psychic and when I asked myself how I can be a psychic, I kept telling myself I had to be trained, I decided not to be psychic. I did a lot of experiments with test tubes and cleaning them, I thought being a scientist would be cool because I would be investigating and discovering facts, and I sided with facts more than opinions. I believed if everyone stuck to facts, this world would work nicely. I remember speaking lines during drama class, and the drama teacher seeing something in me, that she wanted me to play a part in the school play. But I didn’t want any of that, I was intensely curious and wanted to be backstage crew. I cried when I thought I was being barred from being backstage and forced to play a part. During these days I read Wind of the Willows, Rats of NIMH, and The Giver, but during discussions I had no concept or interest in discussing the themes and the plot and the characters. I read like I breathed, I always borrowed some book from the library at school, and it didn’t matter to me what the book said I gulped it down like it was my night’s whisky. The main books that were available then were fiction books, so I read that. But I was not invested in the characters or the plot, I read for the momentary imagination the words would ignite, one book I enjoyed and remember was The Hatchet by Gary Paulsen. I watched lots of TV.

My first conflict met me when I moved to a grade school. It was Montessori but it wasn’t like my first school, we stuck to a fixed schedule of tests and exams. I didn’t like not having the time anymore to investigate what I wanted, and I was prescribed this daily nonstop routine of tests and exams. I made a decision to not trust school. I disagreed, but I had no other way to voice my disagreement but to do the homework halfheartedly. I sought escape and found a form of escape in TV, video games, and books. I spent all of my time on those three. Until I was ‘of age’ to begin pondering about the opposite sex. Our bodies were changing fast. During school aside from doing the mandatory work and talking to friends, the rest of the time was fantasizing being with crushes. We also spent time chatting on MSN Messenger. It was during this time at grade school I solidified characters and personalities, defining for myself what morals I will follow, Puritan is a word to describe me then. I grew strict with myself, judged myself for being attracted to girls, but enjoying the fantasizing, I won awards here and there, but nothing satisfied me anymore. The drama and the focus on people’s characters started. As a mental offshoot of my tumultuous self experience I wanted to be successful, but I didn’t follow school since and didn’t know how to get good grades. My preoccupations became TV, video games, books, girls, chasing good grades. At some point my mom and I moved to Hong Kong because of a failed relationship, and I went to a new school.

My obsessions were defined then, I thought I knew what I wanted to do: be successful and rich, have crushes, be obsessed with sex, chase after good grades. I was introduced to torrenting, and I followed my obsession and began digesting lots of books on success, wealth, self improvement. I would download movies, watch porn, read self improvement books. And the drama continued with new characters. At around 16, insecure and fearful, obsessed with sex and money, and an idea of morality, I was then researching ascension and eventually started research on Anu. I watched my first Desteni video, liked what I heard, the idea of taking back self responsibility, that I am the cause for my mental torment. I listened to Bernard Poolman’s interviews then but I was so preoccupied in how I looked, what I said, me as the entire package, full of beliefs and paths of thinking, that I couldn’t hear what he was saying then. But I enjoyed how his voice woke me up in a way, reminded me of my experiences in preschool in nature, so in spite of my inability to hear and understand the articles, I just read and listened all day. Eventually I was on the forums, and I was suggested to write and apply self forgiveness for what I write. That was amazing because I could physically feel the release that was happening while I applied self forgiveness. So with the limited seeing I had to live with, I applied forgiveness on the personalities I didn’t want, the habits I didn’t want, eventually it was time to go to university.

University reaffirmed my initial findings in grade school, no one cares about supporting you, it’s each man to himself, nothing. I spent four months in university, mustering the discipline to study alone, but pitter pattering and still obsessed with sex. I failed university, I had a time where I was allowed to go back, but I saw I was unprepared no matter what I tried. So I stayed at home, licking my own wounds, depressed to the absolute extreme. I retreated to my room, until mental illness. The recovery process I walked, I feel that I was facing my greatest fears during mental illness, and slowly I started seeing people again. I was given another chance at taking on life, so I did, and the most of the blogs were done during the recovery process. People came into my life, relationships changed, I was recommended to a workplace, all the while facing my deepest fears, nothing of what I experienced changed the Desteni message, I remained committed to taking self responsibility, my personality changed and somewhat reverted back to when I was in preschool, I found my location point in existence, I found my point of self trust from which to build, and I’m still in a process. Not so much recovery process but a life process finding ways to actualize my ideals and ways to live in ways that do no harm. I’m obsessed with creating direction and purpose from the lowest point of my existence, the base denominator of my awareness, from the secret mind. Kind of using my secret mind as fertile soil material to grow into a self responsible, money-making, life sustaining human being.

Mind you, this is the mind interpretation of my history, not the actual events and the responsibility to existence within what I did. Far from being a life review, but I have to start somewhere with investigating my own history, so I did.  I’m hoping this will be where I begin to fill in the blanks and identify patterns.

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About Kasper Kwan

Currently supporting myself in the process of establishing my words in the physical principles of Oneness and Equality. Had to start this process because I have allowed and accepted my words to be established in the mental idea of self-interest/greed, and only realised this recently.
This entry was posted in 7 Year Journey To Life, Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink.

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