What do I do with a blog like this. I had second thoughts about posting my history because these are the sort of details that a human keeps secret to ‘protect’ themselves and their name from losing credibility. But I have higher goals for myself than building my name on strict marketing emphasize the positive and deny the negative principle. I look upon my blog as wanting it to be better than a photoshopped literary version of myself. I want to share realizations and insights into my life as an example of what not to do. I want to have the humbleness and humility to lay down all my cards on the proverbial table, and show myself I can even make this hand best for all. I listened to the History of Desteni on YouTube and it was an example of Bernard sharing the relevant details to learn from his example. What a body of work Bernard Poolman made challenging the average human to take self responsibility. I see his body of work as the Desteni message, and the people he affected in his life that today share and keep the message alive. So you bet I’m curious about what he left behind as his work.
So the first detail that strikes me about my history is I have been reacting to changes in environment and people instead of getting a bird’s eye view considering everything before making a critical decision of what life I will lead. Acting on an event’s horizon, where changes would essentially force my hand and the tendency of mine I see is when I am forced, to always choose self protection and self interest. I was not self honest about the existence and allure of emotions and feelings, I was an energy junkie that felt the worst hand had been given to me whenever I did not get my fix. I remember one day looking at the TV advertising as I often did, wondering to myself, “How the fuck are children my age so happy? I don’t have any reason to feel as happy as those children on TV.” From comparison, judgment that I’m apparently lacking something crucial that would have given me happiness as portrayed (falsely) on TV. From then on I had a background experience of always something lacking, and I would find reasons and justifications for why I am lacking and essentially create my own demise. What you believe in with all your heart in a way becomes your accepted reality, in spite of it not being reality. This point is probably the reason why I fell so hard on the point of sex and orgasm. Masturbation. It lended an experience of seemingly having everything, in spite of not actually having everything. You can say I got lazy and settled for a shortcut ‘solution’ of energy. Even to this day, I contemplate my life and only see what is lacking, the lack of relationships, sex, money, little to no activities where I get to express the purpose I want to embody, lack of excitement, lack of spontaneity, lack of people I can talk about the things I really want to talk about. So it’s evident to me that my design is based on the male design of accumulating the negative and the intensity of expression within that, rather than the female design of the balancing of negative, neutral, and positive and the flowing expression.
The very stability of my life right now is what gives me the most comfort and discomfort at the same time. I have the necessities, that gives me comfort, but I’ve yet to live a lifestyle that fully expresses the decision to what is my purpose in this life. That makes me uncomfortable, but it’s like my life now is a test of patience, as it requires patience to grow new set of skills, to grow my being into what I will be proud to be. I’ve yet to comprehend any strengths that I apparently have. I can’t bring myself to see being good to others as a strength as it was once told to me, because this is something EVERYONE has to get through their heads and live. It’s the basic form of a human being that supports an actually viable future.