Day 580: Self Introspection Part 2

Stating my own tendency it’s like I shock myself into ‘self-awareness’ and refrain from focusing on what my life and I am lacking. Because in a game mentality towards life on Earth, I lost everything and am hanging by a familial thread, with the absolute demand by a system to adhere to the opinions of the system absolute, and having a ‘big’ failure be part of my story of Kasper’s life on Earth, I could have taken everything, but some part of my conscience couldn’t bear living that life. It’s like in the game, we’re seeking friends that represent some form of success, we like our friends morally and moneywise beautiful and any detours or mistakes are only viewed from the perspective of how it influenced one to really take and be successful. I could have interpreted my own mistakes as a life defect that remain a scar for my entire life, that is excuse to not be able to look at people in the eyes anymore, for shame of what I had done or not done. But that is looking at life as the game of life mentality. Life is not a game, nor does life have a voice that instructs or guides. Having watched The End of Self-Awareness discussion on YouTube, life is the thing that’s equal in everything and everyone here or in the afterlife, removing all specialness and ingrained desires to be more than other people. The ‘self-awareness’ is a consciousness that is a system within a greater system that is this world system, attempting to be God in a system that allows that, attempting to understand its purpose within the limited programmed designed context of the system.

Pessimistic and cynical pop up as themes in the way I view life. Bernard once said something like self honesty is seldom a beautiful point, it’s the points that one never dare utter or speak a word since being alive. What he suggests is that this way I view life is in essence self interest to justify why my life is all that I can be, that I have something to defend myself with when the time of reckoning is here, why I ‘did the best I could’ with the information that I had to live this life. Pessimistic and cynical, but surely everyone is aware of the absolute demands that people impose by way of a system, and that these demands are of a character that is partial? Consciousness is the attempt of the system to understand itself.

What are the same desires, hopes, wants, and needs that I’m busy trying to equate?

desire for peace in relationships
desire for having a profession that gives enough income to live comfortably
desire for some sort of skills to show myself as worth to the system, I am worthy of the system’s support, I am valuable in the system
desire for a form of ‘self-awareness’ of a system attempting to understand itself within a system, that lends me insight into who others are therefore a way to survive amongst others
desire to survive within the current consumerism capitalism system
desire for a body of work that I can show to others to prove I am better than them
desire to be special, specially valued by money, specially regarded by others
desire to recognize and realize what Life is
desire for a way to live in the system that guarantees my survival

What do I do with such a list? Well Bernard seems to be suggesting to forgive myself for acting from a self-centred, selfish view and be equal to all the ways that I already act in the context of this ‘self awareness’, to not place money first but life as the life we can’t know that is equal in everything first.

 

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About Kasper Kwan

Currently supporting myself in the process of establishing my words in the physical principles of Oneness and Equality. Had to start this process because I have allowed and accepted my words to be established in the mental idea of self-interest/greed, and only realised this recently.
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